I realize I started off this blog pretty strong (probably due to a tiny obsession with a certain missionary...I don't know, just a random guess) but ended up kinda dropping it. I'd consider even removing this blog entirely from the internet, but then I went through and started reading my posts through out the past year or two. Even though the first couple (okay, maybe the first year of blog posts) were a bit embarrassing with my love-sick attitude, it's still interesting to literally see the growth I feel I've had in the past two years or so.
SO...can you guess where I am right now? I'm sitting in a chair. At a computer. In the living room. But not just any chair at any computer in any living room. I am at the former Elder Joshua Graham's house. And he is home.
How in the world can I sum up what the past two years have been like for me? And even these past few weeks of him being home? I guess while he's out helping Bachan (his grandma, how cute) wash her car out in the front, I've got a minute to just list some thoughts.
The whole concept of a girl "waiting" for her missionary is highly controversial in the Mormon community. Okay, maybe not highly, but for an MG like myself, who had to endure comments, concerns, remarks, lectures, etc. from a number of people, it pretty much was. The entire freaking two years. So I'm not even gonna go into that. All I can say is, when a girl decides she is going to "wait" for her missionary over the next two years, EVERY situation is different. Every relationship is different. While it's true that a lot of girls are just love-sick and clingy and aren't able to let go of their boys, there are a select few who actually have a mature and open perspective to it as they wait. Looking back at the road I've trod over the past two years, I'd say I was both. Started out in the first, unfortunate way, but was molded into the other type of MG.
My relationship with Josh is very peculiar and has been from the beginning. We met as surf buddies. Became a couple over the phone. Wrote each other for two years. And now that he's a returned missionary, we finally had our first "date" that most "normal" couples would consider their beginning. As for us, we kind of established our relationship in the gospel from the beginning. We used our perspectives gained from being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and applied this perspective in our relationship. I'm not saying everyone should establish their relationship in the way we did, because obviously everyone is different. This is just how our relationship was established and has grown from, and for us...it's pretty much perfect.
But here, and now. This. This is what I have waited two long years for. This is what I had faith in. This is what I have loved. And...it's working. I love that it's working. I can't describe it adequately but I am so happy, the happiest I've ever been. And I'm trying not to slip into this "honeymoon phase" where the couple is just happy and thinks everything will be all fine and dandy... I know that every healthy relationship has hardship to some degree, and we've had some but we use those to bring us closer, to build each other up, or to use it to strengthen ourselves individually.
Now that he's finished with his mission, and I am done waiting, it is time to turn the page and begin the next chapter of our lives. Most people would automatically assume (since we ARE Mormon after all...) that this means marriage. But we're not rushing anything. We're still being open about the paths our lives will take us on. For now, we're just doing what's important for our own individual futures and we're going to see where life takes us. If it works out that we can accompany each other on this life-long journey, and even our eternal progression back to Heavenly Father, then....
awesome. :)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Transplanting My Education
On Monday, August 2, 2010 I did something pretty drastic.
It's no secret that I've been going back and forth, having violent changes of mind about which school to go to. Provo/Hawaii/Provo/Hawaii/Provo/EFFSCHOOLALREADY!!!
Just kidding.
Anyways, it's finally OFFICIAL and ISN'T changing. I discontinued from one school and will be finishing up my undergrad at the other. Although it will require MUCH sacrifice, I am so unbelievably happy with my decision.
Go Seasiders! >:D
It's no secret that I've been going back and forth, having violent changes of mind about which school to go to. Provo/Hawaii/Provo/Hawaii/Provo/EFFSCHOOLALREADY!!!
Just kidding.
Anyways, it's finally OFFICIAL and ISN'T changing. I discontinued from one school and will be finishing up my undergrad at the other. Although it will require MUCH sacrifice, I am so unbelievably happy with my decision.
Go Seasiders! >:D
Sunday, July 25, 2010
My Pichu has a first name, it's P-I-C-H-U!
Just some awesome footage of The Pichu that is blog-worthy.
Ch-ch-check it out.
I love this kid.
Ch-ch-check it out.
I love this kid.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Everyone always says the 90's were better...
Tonight, while randomly browsing YouTube, I re-discovered one of my favorite songs from when I was growing up. I cannot stop listening to it. Christina Aguilera has the most amazing female voice anyone has ever heard and I will fight you if you disagree with me. I was nine years old when this song came out. What a weird thought. I miss a lot of things about the nineties. For one, I was young. Carefree. I was always happy and always had so much energy. Not to say I'm not happy now, but things just felt so much easier back then. Right now, it feels like my life is giving me motion sickness from changing directions so much. Which is why I don't feel like blogging about my life at the moment. So I'll just post this link for your listening pleasure.
Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You
Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You
Saturday, May 29, 2010
After One Month of Being Home.
Welp, Winter Semester 2010 came and went. All the traveling with my family in Texas and in Utah and all the excitement with graduations and baby births came and went as well. I've already been home from BYU for almost a month (as of June 1st) now! Time is reeeally flying!
I can't believe all these things I've been looking forward to for so long have come and gone, or are already about to happen. I already passed my/Josh's 18 month mark waiting/him serving his mission. It's really weird, last night I started having doubts...out of nowhere! I have no idea why. But after talking to Ben and contemplating everything for a whole day, pretty
much it's just Satan trying to discourage me. Fear and doubt is the opposite of Faith. My future is as bright as my faith. :)
Something I really need to get better at is managing my money. I'm working two jobs but I'm afraid it won't be enough to cover all my necessary expenses (after tithing - debt, car/gas, Fall and Winter tuition at BYU-H). I LOVE working at the Battleship Missouri Memorial with Christy! And my co-workers are fun, even the old ones! Lol. Summer Fun has been pretty boring so far, we just sit around and talk. I can't wait for the kids to actually start coming to the program.
Other than financial worries and missing the Elder, life at home has been great! I'm really blessed to have been hired at two places and both were very generous in my schedule and hiring me last minute and everything. I love being in Hawaii and knowing I don't have to go back to Utah in a couple of months. I love surfing again even if the waves are flat! I love seeing the Grahams :D I love having Jake and Wendy home for good (FINALLY!) and I absolutely love seeing Holden everyday again. Even though it's crazy with the entire family here (last night I counted that there were 13 people sleeping in the house including the babies, lol!!) but it's what I grew up with and what I grew to love... I always want to have lots of family over when I'm older and have my own kids! "Soccer team"... hehehe <3
Lo amo mas de lo que puedo expresar...
I can't believe all these things I've been looking forward to for so long have come and gone, or are already about to happen. I already passed my/Josh's 18 month mark waiting/him serving his mission. It's really weird, last night I started having doubts...out of nowhere! I have no idea why. But after talking to Ben and contemplating everything for a whole day, pretty
much it's just Satan trying to discourage me. Fear and doubt is the opposite of Faith. My future is as bright as my faith. :)
Something I really need to get better at is managing my money. I'm working two jobs but I'm afraid it won't be enough to cover all my necessary expenses (after tithing - debt, car/gas, Fall and Winter tuition at BYU-H). I LOVE working at the Battleship Missouri Memorial with Christy! And my co-workers are fun, even the old ones! Lol. Summer Fun has been pretty boring so far, we just sit around and talk. I can't wait for the kids to actually start coming to the program.
Other than financial worries and missing the Elder, life at home has been great! I'm really blessed to have been hired at two places and both were very generous in my schedule and hiring me last minute and everything. I love being in Hawaii and knowing I don't have to go back to Utah in a couple of months. I love surfing again even if the waves are flat! I love seeing the Grahams :D I love having Jake and Wendy home for good (FINALLY!) and I absolutely love seeing Holden everyday again. Even though it's crazy with the entire family here (last night I counted that there were 13 people sleeping in the house including the babies, lol!!) but it's what I grew up with and what I grew to love... I always want to have lots of family over when I'm older and have my own kids! "Soccer team"... hehehe <3
Lo amo mas de lo que puedo expresar...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
San Antonio and the End of the Semester
Texas is AWESOME!! My dad and I had so much fun in the short three-ish days we've been here. He said at first he didn't want me to come because he didn't want to spend the money on my ticket, but he kept saying how glad he was I came. I was pretty much the best co-pilot navigator ever. Lol. We went out to eat with Isaac, Shy, and Fenix the night we got in. It felt soo good to be reunited with some family again! I knocked out around 6:30 pm and slept until 8 the next morning. We went straight to Isaac's Basic Military Training graduation after I finished getting ready. Somehow, I got ready in less than an hour! That was amazing, hahaha. But his graduation ceremony was really cool and nice and short (less than an hour). I was so proud of him as I watched him march with his flight/squadron. He said he was almost an Honor graduate and he exceeded the requirements to be one, but they only take the top ten percent and there were choke guys who took it. That's okay, I know he was an awesome trainee anyways. We spent a lot of time talking story pretty much the whole weekend, and he told us all about his experiences here at basic training on the Lackland Air Force Base. O.m.g. I could not believe some of the stories he told us. He said that, hands down, this was THE hardest experience he has ever gone through, and will ever go through in his life. But he feels the strongest sense of accomplishment now that it's over. I'm so glad we got to come and support him. For the past 8 weeks, he was not allowed any sort of device like a cell phone, laptop, any connections to the outside world. The T.I.'s (Training Instructors) were pretty much the devil. People got punished and yelled at and put down for even the tiniest thing like smiling at a joke. If you smiled, you got reprimanded and punished. Everything was harsh. Isaac told me that a girl last week tried to commit suicide by jumping off the third floor of her dormitory building but the T.I.'s stopped her. Men breaking down in tears isn't something they're not used to. My brother sometimes had 23 hour days, but on average they were about 19 hour days. Basic training pushes you to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. He said he looked forward to Sundays when he was allowed to attend church. They had a small little ward for the LDS members but had to hurry out after it was over for the next religious group to use that same room for worship. He told us about doing "The Beast" (which I didn't really understand what it was, but judging from the name it sounds not very fun :/). But the worst thing he had to do was this tear gas challenge.
Tear gas, or lachrymatory agent, is a chemical compound that stimulates the corneal nerves in the eyes to cause tearing, pain, and even blindness. It works by irritating mucous membranes in the eyes, nose, mouth and lungs, and causes crying, sneezing, coughing, hard breathing, etc. So basically it was a test to see if they could put on their gas masks properly (it sounded complicated). The trainees would put their own masks on, go into the room filled with tear gas, and if you didn't collapse in pain or go into unconsciousness or anything, then you put your mask on properly. After that, they were required to remove their masks, STILL in the tear gas room, and state their name, what flight they were in, social security number, etc. But the gas has an immediate affect right when you take off the mask, so my brother (and pretty much everyone else) could barely get past saying their names when they just couldn't speak. Mucous just starts running out of your nose and your eyes tear up like crazy and you can't even breathe. After they were let out of that room you just see everyone looking all gross and coughing for like ten full minutes. Terrible.
So, needless to say, Isaac had a very hard time adjusting to BMT at first. I mean, he went from living everyday in a happy environment with his wife and son, having it pretty easy and access to all his electronic devices to straight discipline, training, and zero contact with any loved ones. But eventually he gained enough strength and wisdom to get through it all. It was kinda touching because he told me that he'd have nightly personal prayers with this one other Mormon dude in his flight (but wasn't really active prior to coming to BMT) and towards the end they'd sometimes get 10 or 12 guys to join them in those prayers. I'd say BMT is one place where men really start to depend upon God a lot more than they used to. I am so proud of him for sticking this out and staying strong!
Other than the whole graduation and everything, we went to the Riverwalk which was so much fun! We took a boat ride along the San Antonio river and had a little tour. We ate at Chili's, got to talk some more. We were gonna go to the Spurs vs. Mavs NBA playoff game last night, but the tickets sold out way too fast. And I was gonna go with Isaac and Shy them to Six Flags Fiesta amusement park today but my flight leaves in like an hour. I'm excited to see my family this upcoming week though!! Everyone's flying up to Utah for Jake's graduation from UVU and Holden's baby blessing.
I can't believe I'm here. Not in Texas, but I mean...here. In time. At the end of my last semester at BYU in Provo. This semester flew by faster than a blink of an eye. Every school day was crazy busy with studying and work, and every weekend was party after party after party. Now I am one week away from going home and I'm so excited. I chose to work on the USS Missouri as a tour guide because it's the smart thing to do, and I just found out my friend from high school/cross country team mate/BYUH soon to be classmate, Christy Wong, got hired there too!! So we're gonna work together!! I'm so excited!! Heavenly Father has blessed me sooo much, there's not enough space or time to name everything that I'm so grateful for. But he has definitely hooked me up in every way possible. Everything I've been looking forward to has already happened or is already happening!! Holden being born, Adrienne being born, Isaac's BMT graduation, Jacob's UVU graduation, going home, surfing again, Robin coming home THIS upcoming week, Josh coming home in less than 7 months.....I'm trippin out. Today I was looking at myself in the mirror and was pretty grossed out...how did I let myself go for so long???
My #1 Goal for this summer = self-discipline.
Self-discipline with work, to be grateful for it and to enjoy it as much as possible, to do my best at my job and to work as many hours as I am offered.
Self-discipline with money, to SAVE SAVE SAVE and SAVE some more. Everyone knows how much deep kimchi I am in with this already...
Self-discipline with personal scripture study & personal prayers. Just because I am going home doesn't mean I need to lose all the great progress I've made with this while at BYU.
Self-discipline with physical fitness. Surfing and/or running EVERYDAY. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT overeat just because I can have GOOD local food again.
Self-discipline with waiting. Umm, I have no idea if I'm gonna go on any dates this summer. But I need to do better at writing letters than I did last summer. Last summer letter writing was an epic fail -_-.
Whew. Longest post ever. Gotta catch my plane now. HALO TOMORROW!!!! :)
Tear gas, or lachrymatory agent, is a chemical compound that stimulates the corneal nerves in the eyes to cause tearing, pain, and even blindness. It works by irritating mucous membranes in the eyes, nose, mouth and lungs, and causes crying, sneezing, coughing, hard breathing, etc. So basically it was a test to see if they could put on their gas masks properly (it sounded complicated). The trainees would put their own masks on, go into the room filled with tear gas, and if you didn't collapse in pain or go into unconsciousness or anything, then you put your mask on properly. After that, they were required to remove their masks, STILL in the tear gas room, and state their name, what flight they were in, social security number, etc. But the gas has an immediate affect right when you take off the mask, so my brother (and pretty much everyone else) could barely get past saying their names when they just couldn't speak. Mucous just starts running out of your nose and your eyes tear up like crazy and you can't even breathe. After they were let out of that room you just see everyone looking all gross and coughing for like ten full minutes. Terrible.
So, needless to say, Isaac had a very hard time adjusting to BMT at first. I mean, he went from living everyday in a happy environment with his wife and son, having it pretty easy and access to all his electronic devices to straight discipline, training, and zero contact with any loved ones. But eventually he gained enough strength and wisdom to get through it all. It was kinda touching because he told me that he'd have nightly personal prayers with this one other Mormon dude in his flight (but wasn't really active prior to coming to BMT) and towards the end they'd sometimes get 10 or 12 guys to join them in those prayers. I'd say BMT is one place where men really start to depend upon God a lot more than they used to. I am so proud of him for sticking this out and staying strong!
Other than the whole graduation and everything, we went to the Riverwalk which was so much fun! We took a boat ride along the San Antonio river and had a little tour. We ate at Chili's, got to talk some more. We were gonna go to the Spurs vs. Mavs NBA playoff game last night, but the tickets sold out way too fast. And I was gonna go with Isaac and Shy them to Six Flags Fiesta amusement park today but my flight leaves in like an hour. I'm excited to see my family this upcoming week though!! Everyone's flying up to Utah for Jake's graduation from UVU and Holden's baby blessing.
I can't believe I'm here. Not in Texas, but I mean...here. In time. At the end of my last semester at BYU in Provo. This semester flew by faster than a blink of an eye. Every school day was crazy busy with studying and work, and every weekend was party after party after party. Now I am one week away from going home and I'm so excited. I chose to work on the USS Missouri as a tour guide because it's the smart thing to do, and I just found out my friend from high school/cross country team mate/BYUH soon to be classmate, Christy Wong, got hired there too!! So we're gonna work together!! I'm so excited!! Heavenly Father has blessed me sooo much, there's not enough space or time to name everything that I'm so grateful for. But he has definitely hooked me up in every way possible. Everything I've been looking forward to has already happened or is already happening!! Holden being born, Adrienne being born, Isaac's BMT graduation, Jacob's UVU graduation, going home, surfing again, Robin coming home THIS upcoming week, Josh coming home in less than 7 months.....I'm trippin out. Today I was looking at myself in the mirror and was pretty grossed out...how did I let myself go for so long???
My #1 Goal for this summer = self-discipline.
Self-discipline with work, to be grateful for it and to enjoy it as much as possible, to do my best at my job and to work as many hours as I am offered.
Self-discipline with money, to SAVE SAVE SAVE and SAVE some more. Everyone knows how much deep kimchi I am in with this already...
Self-discipline with personal scripture study & personal prayers. Just because I am going home doesn't mean I need to lose all the great progress I've made with this while at BYU.
Self-discipline with physical fitness. Surfing and/or running EVERYDAY. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT overeat just because I can have GOOD local food again.
Self-discipline with waiting. Umm, I have no idea if I'm gonna go on any dates this summer. But I need to do better at writing letters than I did last summer. Last summer letter writing was an epic fail -_-.
Whew. Longest post ever. Gotta catch my plane now. HALO TOMORROW!!!! :)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Quad F.
Facebook Fast for Finals.
DON'T LAUGH!! I so can do this.
I got Quad F from something my surfer friends back home came up with. Quad S for Super Secret Surf Spot. I can't wait to go home and surf!! But I'm going to work sooo much this summer. I won't get to surf as often as I did last summer. It's okay though, small sacrifice to stay home for school :).
Seriously though, I want to finish this semester off strong. Well I just need to pass all my classes so that I can get the credits for competing it. When I start at BYU-Hawaii, my GPA from here won't transfer there. So I can get straight C's and get all my credits and be fine :) Hahaha. I should probably aim higher for that.
Random last note, 33 WEEKS LEFT!! Almost down in the 20's. Yay!
DON'T LAUGH!! I so can do this.
I got Quad F from something my surfer friends back home came up with. Quad S for Super Secret Surf Spot. I can't wait to go home and surf!! But I'm going to work sooo much this summer. I won't get to surf as often as I did last summer. It's okay though, small sacrifice to stay home for school :).
Seriously though, I want to finish this semester off strong. Well I just need to pass all my classes so that I can get the credits for competing it. When I start at BYU-Hawaii, my GPA from here won't transfer there. So I can get straight C's and get all my credits and be fine :) Hahaha. I should probably aim higher for that.
Random last note, 33 WEEKS LEFT!! Almost down in the 20's. Yay!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Gotta let go, to let it grow.
Last night, I made a very important decision.
Today, I am taking a hard step. One which requires immense faith.
I just hope I am doing the right thing... :/
Today, I am taking a hard step. One which requires immense faith.
I just hope I am doing the right thing... :/
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I'm in love with a boy...
Whenever he looks at me with those deep blue eyes, I just melt inside...
His skin is so soft, I can't help but want to hug him...hold him...kiss him...
He has the most gorgeous hair
When I first saw him, I knew my life was changed and that it was love at first sight
Yes, I must admit, I am in love..........
with my new baby nephew!!!
Holden Ikaika McMillan a.k.a. "Pichu"
born Friday, March 26, 2010
at 12:00 PM, weighing in at 6 lbs. 13 oz.
It's amazing that he's finally here!!
His skin is so soft, I can't help but want to hug him...hold him...kiss him...
He has the most gorgeous hair
When I first saw him, I knew my life was changed and that it was love at first sight
Yes, I must admit, I am in love..........
with my new baby nephew!!!
Holden Ikaika McMillan a.k.a. "Pichu"
born Friday, March 26, 2010
at 12:00 PM, weighing in at 6 lbs. 13 oz.
It's amazing that he's finally here!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I have the funniest/cutest nephews/baby sister EVER!
So my little brother Nainoa made this video...I've forgotten how hilarious they all are. I can't wait to go home!!! 5 more weeks!!! :D
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Priesthood Blessings.
Yesterday started off amazing and then horrible then stressful then depressing and regretful.
And then I got a Priesthood blessing from my two guy friends (who are also my home teachers).
I cannot fully express how grateful I am that they remain worthy and honor their priesthood. I'd be so lost without the comfort and peace and reassurance I felt from the moment they laid their hands upon my head.
I know I will make it through all of this.
And then I got a Priesthood blessing from my two guy friends (who are also my home teachers).
I cannot fully express how grateful I am that they remain worthy and honor their priesthood. I'd be so lost without the comfort and peace and reassurance I felt from the moment they laid their hands upon my head.
I know I will make it through all of this.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Turning to prayer.
My friend gave me this link to an AWESOME general conference talk by Richard G. Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer and it really helped me out with all these decisions weighing on my mind lately. It hasn't gotten any easier, but I've been able to go about it in a smarter way, with the Spirit.
Today started off pretty well. I was planning on sleeping in because my first class (which is normally at 11 am) got canceled. But for some reason, I haven't been able to sleep well at all lately and kept waking up. I just ended up getting out of bed at around 915-ish, which is when I usually get ready for class. So I decided to go running at around 10. It was such a beautiful day out and I really had no excuse not to run! Except how pathetically out of shape I am...I was dying and this thin air didn't help at all. I only ran for 25 min. But I got a lot of thinking done during that 25 min. Got ready for the day. Checked the mail and my day immediately got about ten times better. :)
First I got a letter from Josh. I love his letters! They aren't just boring, plain envelopes with one piece of paper in it that takes 2 seconds to read. For the past year our letters have been really interesting, haha. We always draw on the envelope we're sending (his artwork is WAY better than mine) and we always put little weird things in it from that week. Like in my Valentine's package/letter...I got some rocks and leaves from his backyard. It's funny how you treasure even the littlest, weirdest things just because they're from a special someone. So today's letter had writing and drawings on the envelope as usual, then I opened it and there was freaking...I don't even know inside. Hahaha. After reading the letter, I found out it was some stick that was from his dinner at Macaroni Grill and he broke it up into pieces, so it looked like a bunch of Christmas tree pine needles were in my envelope! I just shook my head and laughed and said "What a weirdo...hahaha."
But not only did I get a letter from Josh! His family sent me a care package for my birthday! And not a small one either, it was the biggest flat rate package box you can send (costs $14.50) and it was FULL of local snacks and ohhh my gosshhhh I was SOOOOO HAPPY!!! I wasn't even expecting it either!! I love his family so freaking much, I feel like I was truly meant to be a part of it. So later on I'm going to call Mama Graham them to thank them. They really didn't need to send me anything, a simple card would've been fine (which I also got :smile: ) but I'm just really grateful for the care package! I must send them a thank you card too.
I know that these past 15 1/2 months have been a crazy ride. Literally. I don't think it was that many significant events occurred (even though there kind of have been a lot..), but a lot of changes have occurred within myself. I've never tried this hard to be so faithful. I've never consistently had an attitude of the eternal perspective in my everyday life. I've never so consistently studied the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon with such depth and patience and respect. My testimony has grown so much. This is why I want to serve a mission so badly. I look at myself and my whole life as an "active" member of the church and then I look at me now. I know I was young and had yet to grow and mature, but I haven't had an active Spirit until now. And I credit the spark to the flame to Josh. The very fact that he is on a mission made me want to be a better person. In the beginning, I told myself "If I don't stay close to God, I won't be close to him. Whether or not I'm successful in this waiting process depends on the brightness of my testimony." So initially, I wanted to do it for him. But as I have further indulged myself in the gospel, there's this fire, this desire I can't really explain. I actually look forward to reading my scriptures each morning/night. It makes me want so badly to share it with the world. Everyone is equally loved by our Father in Heaven, and they deserve to come to this knowledge too. This knowledge of hope and love and peace.
I used to tell myself that going on a mission would be my back-up plan. Even though I was so very determined to make our relationship work, I just told myself, just in case, that I'd serve a mission if things don't work out between us.
Things have been working out. In fact, it's more than that. We've been so edified in each other and our testimonies have bonded and grown together. I love him on a level I never knew possible before. I thought it was all about feelings and passions for a special person. Now I see it as something so much more. It's as if we've become one with and in each other. His success equals my success. His happiness equals my happiness. Maybe this is what being sealed to someone for time and all eternity means? I hope that one day we will share that experience together. I suspect that in marriage, it doesn't mean life will be easier and more comfortable now that we are united, never to be separated again. It just means we covenant to take on greater commitments, to aspire to accomplish greater works with each of us contributing our spirits and personalities. I sure as heck don't expect parenthood to be easy, haha. But I think that's why it was meant to be shared by two people: both a mother and a father. It's not so that their ideas and methods of parenting can clash, it's so they can share the burden and build upon each other.
I really believe that choosing marriage or a mission would both be great works to undertake. I can't even imagine all the opportunities to serve that would come up. Bringing souls unto Christ, or bringing spirits into this world. We'll see which path I decide to take when I come to that fork in the road at the close of this year. The best thing to do now would be to turn to prayer. To continue to diligently and sincerely pray to be guided by the Lord. For now, I'll just prepare myself to enter the temple of the Lord. So that when I do make that decision, I will, without a doubt, be ready for what God would have me do.
Today started off pretty well. I was planning on sleeping in because my first class (which is normally at 11 am) got canceled. But for some reason, I haven't been able to sleep well at all lately and kept waking up. I just ended up getting out of bed at around 915-ish, which is when I usually get ready for class. So I decided to go running at around 10. It was such a beautiful day out and I really had no excuse not to run! Except how pathetically out of shape I am...I was dying and this thin air didn't help at all. I only ran for 25 min. But I got a lot of thinking done during that 25 min. Got ready for the day. Checked the mail and my day immediately got about ten times better. :)
First I got a letter from Josh. I love his letters! They aren't just boring, plain envelopes with one piece of paper in it that takes 2 seconds to read. For the past year our letters have been really interesting, haha. We always draw on the envelope we're sending (his artwork is WAY better than mine) and we always put little weird things in it from that week. Like in my Valentine's package/letter...I got some rocks and leaves from his backyard. It's funny how you treasure even the littlest, weirdest things just because they're from a special someone. So today's letter had writing and drawings on the envelope as usual, then I opened it and there was freaking...I don't even know inside. Hahaha. After reading the letter, I found out it was some stick that was from his dinner at Macaroni Grill and he broke it up into pieces, so it looked like a bunch of Christmas tree pine needles were in my envelope! I just shook my head and laughed and said "What a weirdo...hahaha."
But not only did I get a letter from Josh! His family sent me a care package for my birthday! And not a small one either, it was the biggest flat rate package box you can send (costs $14.50) and it was FULL of local snacks and ohhh my gosshhhh I was SOOOOO HAPPY!!! I wasn't even expecting it either!! I love his family so freaking much, I feel like I was truly meant to be a part of it. So later on I'm going to call Mama Graham them to thank them. They really didn't need to send me anything, a simple card would've been fine (which I also got :smile: ) but I'm just really grateful for the care package! I must send them a thank you card too.
I know that these past 15 1/2 months have been a crazy ride. Literally. I don't think it was that many significant events occurred (even though there kind of have been a lot..), but a lot of changes have occurred within myself. I've never tried this hard to be so faithful. I've never consistently had an attitude of the eternal perspective in my everyday life. I've never so consistently studied the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon with such depth and patience and respect. My testimony has grown so much. This is why I want to serve a mission so badly. I look at myself and my whole life as an "active" member of the church and then I look at me now. I know I was young and had yet to grow and mature, but I haven't had an active Spirit until now. And I credit the spark to the flame to Josh. The very fact that he is on a mission made me want to be a better person. In the beginning, I told myself "If I don't stay close to God, I won't be close to him. Whether or not I'm successful in this waiting process depends on the brightness of my testimony." So initially, I wanted to do it for him. But as I have further indulged myself in the gospel, there's this fire, this desire I can't really explain. I actually look forward to reading my scriptures each morning/night. It makes me want so badly to share it with the world. Everyone is equally loved by our Father in Heaven, and they deserve to come to this knowledge too. This knowledge of hope and love and peace.
I used to tell myself that going on a mission would be my back-up plan. Even though I was so very determined to make our relationship work, I just told myself, just in case, that I'd serve a mission if things don't work out between us.
Things have been working out. In fact, it's more than that. We've been so edified in each other and our testimonies have bonded and grown together. I love him on a level I never knew possible before. I thought it was all about feelings and passions for a special person. Now I see it as something so much more. It's as if we've become one with and in each other. His success equals my success. His happiness equals my happiness. Maybe this is what being sealed to someone for time and all eternity means? I hope that one day we will share that experience together. I suspect that in marriage, it doesn't mean life will be easier and more comfortable now that we are united, never to be separated again. It just means we covenant to take on greater commitments, to aspire to accomplish greater works with each of us contributing our spirits and personalities. I sure as heck don't expect parenthood to be easy, haha. But I think that's why it was meant to be shared by two people: both a mother and a father. It's not so that their ideas and methods of parenting can clash, it's so they can share the burden and build upon each other.
I really believe that choosing marriage or a mission would both be great works to undertake. I can't even imagine all the opportunities to serve that would come up. Bringing souls unto Christ, or bringing spirits into this world. We'll see which path I decide to take when I come to that fork in the road at the close of this year. The best thing to do now would be to turn to prayer. To continue to diligently and sincerely pray to be guided by the Lord. For now, I'll just prepare myself to enter the temple of the Lord. So that when I do make that decision, I will, without a doubt, be ready for what God would have me do.
Friday, March 5, 2010
If I had a billion dollars...
I would spend it on:
-paying off my debt
-paying mine and Josh's tuition
-buying a truck that fit all our surfboards/beach bums in the bed
-buying Josh an English Bulldog puppy for his 22nd birthday/homecoming present
-taking me and Josh on a surf tour to Indo, Ozzy, Mexico & Tahiti
-and live happily ever after in a beach house with Josh
Now alls I gotta do is become famous/ridiculously smart and/or good looking so I can make a lot of money. TOTALLY possible!!!
Yeah right. Sigh. Now back to reality.. -_-
-paying off my debt
-paying mine and Josh's tuition
-buying a truck that fit all our surfboards/beach bums in the bed
-buying Josh an English Bulldog puppy for his 22nd birthday/homecoming present
-taking me and Josh on a surf tour to Indo, Ozzy, Mexico & Tahiti
-and live happily ever after in a beach house with Josh
Now alls I gotta do is become famous/ridiculously smart and/or good looking so I can make a lot of money. TOTALLY possible!!!
Yeah right. Sigh. Now back to reality.. -_-
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
9 months.
So as of today I officially have exactly 9 months left until Josh comes home.
Wait a second...9 MONTHS?! Are you kidding me??? I'm finally down to the single digits in months before he comes home?? This feels too surreal. And exciting. I feel so accomplished. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself, there are still 9 months left before I can feel totally accomplished.
Yesterday my boss called and said I could have the day off because it was so slow at work, so when Ben called me at 12-ish to ask if I wanted to go hiking, I was like HECK YES!!!! The sun was out and it was SUCH a beautiful day. All the pictures are posted on my facebook in an album. He took some amazing shots. It was just awesome. All my muscles are pretty sore now, but it was totally worth it.
9 months...wow....that's like a pregnancy. Those go by pretty quick right? Haha. I wouldn't know. But I know that my sisters' pregnancies felt like time just flew by. They're giving birth in like a month!!!! Ho.ly.crap.
I really hope these next 9 months fly by. Seriously. I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to give up. Sigh. I've come this far, I can stay strong until the end.
Wait a second...9 MONTHS?! Are you kidding me??? I'm finally down to the single digits in months before he comes home?? This feels too surreal. And exciting. I feel so accomplished. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself, there are still 9 months left before I can feel totally accomplished.
Yesterday my boss called and said I could have the day off because it was so slow at work, so when Ben called me at 12-ish to ask if I wanted to go hiking, I was like HECK YES!!!! The sun was out and it was SUCH a beautiful day. All the pictures are posted on my facebook in an album. He took some amazing shots. It was just awesome. All my muscles are pretty sore now, but it was totally worth it.
9 months...wow....that's like a pregnancy. Those go by pretty quick right? Haha. I wouldn't know. But I know that my sisters' pregnancies felt like time just flew by. They're giving birth in like a month!!!! Ho.ly.crap.
I really hope these next 9 months fly by. Seriously. I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to give up. Sigh. I've come this far, I can stay strong until the end.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Just a little jealous.
So my room mate is officially/unofficially engaged. They both talked about marriage and are setting a date. The reason I say "unofficially" is because she hasn't gotten the ring yet. She will soon, though. They went ring shopping this weekend and she picked it out. It's beautiful! I'm just a little jealous though...it makes me miss Josh so much more. I'm kinda sad. All good things come with time though, right? I keep saying all this waiting will someday be worth it. And I know that day will come.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Valentine's Eve
Only one more month until I turn 20!!! What a weird thought. I can still clearly remember my 16th, 17th, 18th, and 19th birthdays. Are you kidding me?! I'm gonna be out of the teens in just a few short 4 weeks?? I can't believe it. But hey! I made it to 20 years old unmarried!! Hahaha. My mom got married at 19 and my sister was still 18!! They both have late birthdays, but still...that's freaking young! I'm probably getting married after I turn 21. Which is fine, I'm in no rush. The only thing I'm impatient for is being reunited with my one true love again....thinking about that day gives me butterflies. :)
Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm not sad because technically I won't be alone. Someone has my heart and I have his, although we are miles away. I'm happy. :) I'm just really grateful that it's on a Sunday this year where most people (well, in Utah at least) can't go out on their cutesy little dates. So everyone will be in church just like me. The only thing I'm kinda irritated about is that Monday is a national holiday (who cares about past presidents?? I mean seriously??) which means the libraries will be closed...which means I won't get to chat with Josh on Monday morning ...that's okay though. Mos def Tuesday morning He just makes me so happy! I love him so much...our love has truly grown into something I didn't even know existed....it's pretty amazing...
What else could have kept me strong for this long? This coming Friday, the 19th, he'll have been on his mission for 15 months. Holy crap!!! I can't believe it. The months really are winding down!! I can do this. I so can do this.
I'm gonna check the mail now. If it's empty I'll be disappointed but I'll also be fine with it. He's a missionary. God is his number one priority, not me. Serving the people keeps him busy, and that's how it should be.
Still, I do miss him. *Sigh*
Te amo para siempre, Josh. <3
Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm not sad because technically I won't be alone. Someone has my heart and I have his, although we are miles away. I'm happy. :) I'm just really grateful that it's on a Sunday this year where most people (well, in Utah at least) can't go out on their cutesy little dates. So everyone will be in church just like me. The only thing I'm kinda irritated about is that Monday is a national holiday (who cares about past presidents?? I mean seriously??) which means the libraries will be closed...which means I won't get to chat with Josh on Monday morning ...that's okay though. Mos def Tuesday morning He just makes me so happy! I love him so much...our love has truly grown into something I didn't even know existed....it's pretty amazing...
What else could have kept me strong for this long? This coming Friday, the 19th, he'll have been on his mission for 15 months. Holy crap!!! I can't believe it. The months really are winding down!! I can do this. I so can do this.
I'm gonna check the mail now. If it's empty I'll be disappointed but I'll also be fine with it. He's a missionary. God is his number one priority, not me. Serving the people keeps him busy, and that's how it should be.
Still, I do miss him. *Sigh*
Te amo para siempre, Josh. <3
Monday, February 8, 2010
Buenos dias!!!!!!!!!
I misss you delicada miyo....
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Friday, February 5, 2010
444 Days.
That's how long Josh has been serving his mission. I really can't believe so much time has passed already! Everyday of those 444 days I'd just think about how slow time felt like it was passing by...now that I'm at the head of it, it's hard to not feel like it went by too fast. Did I make the best of that time? Or did I waste it? I think I've done pretty well. But there's so much I want to do before Josh comes home on November 24! Eh, it's a work in progress.
Goals:
-Read BOM cover to cover: Getting there. I'm currently in Mosiah 25
-Lose weight: ultimate FAIL. Hopefully summer changes that.
-Learn to cook: I'm proud to say I've done well with this! :)
I can't remember everything else I wanted to do.
Oh I got a Valentine's Day package from Josh yesterday! I'm currently still working on his...gotta get it out by Monday!
Blehhhh I have a headache. Still getting over my sickness. :/ Byebye.
Goals:
-Read BOM cover to cover: Getting there. I'm currently in Mosiah 25
-Lose weight: ultimate FAIL. Hopefully summer changes that.
-Learn to cook: I'm proud to say I've done well with this! :)
I can't remember everything else I wanted to do.
Oh I got a Valentine's Day package from Josh yesterday! I'm currently still working on his...gotta get it out by Monday!
Blehhhh I have a headache. Still getting over my sickness. :/ Byebye.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Rest In Peace, Elder McKay Choy Burrows...
Today was a very sad one for me...on Saturday, I heard that a missionary had passed away on his mission and my heart went out to that missionary and his family. Then my friend, Craig, texted me this morning while I was in class saying it was two elders who were companions, one being from Highland. He told me it was on the front page of our school's newspaper, so after class I went to the ESC to study, where I knew there would be a newspaper stand. I got a paper, started walking back to my bench where I was sitting and found the article. It was a small section. As I began to read, the words "Romania Bucharest Mission" caught my eye. Before continuing, I thought, "That's McKay's mission! I hope he's alright..." Sure enough, as I read further, I saw his name: McKay Choy Burrows of Highland, UT. I got goosebumps all over and it felt like my heart stopped. No...it can't be...he can't be gone...
Before I knew it, I was already crying. How could he be gone? I remember so clearly meeting him at SOAR in 2007. I played soccer with him, Israel, and the other, taller McKay right outside the Morris center during free-time one day. I remember thinking how cute he was (of course, this was before I met Josh) and he had such a fun, carefree spirit about him. Fast forward about a year and a half. It's my first week at BYU-Provo and I had just gone through a pretty bad break-up with a boyfriend. He invited me and my friends to play flag football on Helaman Fields with him and his friends and even took me on my first date while in Utah (again, this was before Josh). We were supposed to hike to these hot springs but none of his friends or their dates knew where the trail that led to it was. So we pretty much ended up wandering around the woods for a good two hours, but it was still fun! He joked around and made sure I was having fun. When I got cold, he took off his jacket and gave it to me even though the sun was long gone and it was freezing. I ended up hanging onto that jacket for 5 or so months following because I hadn't really seen him around campus after that. I managed to get it back to him before we all left school for the summer, but I feel really lame that I didn't return it to him in person.
The article said that the Burrows' family was not ready to talk to the media and I don't really blame them. If one of my brothers died on his mission, I'd just cry and cry forever...and if it were Josh...I don't even want to think about that possibility...it hurts too bad. But these two missionaries' families really need our prayers more than ever to cope with their loss.
I am so grateful we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes life can seem so unfair, but as hard as it may be, we need to realize that it is the Lord who is the Master of all our lives. He sees the whole picture and all we see is a tiny part of it. Perhaps the Lord has saved a special place in the eternities for these two missionaries. Maybe he needed the both of them to perform a greater work which we cannot even begin to comprehend. After all, it isn't our mortal life that matters, although it is very important for us to make the best of our probationary time on earth; for we will be judged according to our works in the Millenium. But the more important part of our existence is what comes after this. The Lord is preparing us for all that is to come in the next life; He truly does have so much in store for us. The pain we feel with the loss of a dear one is not easy to forget nor is it easy to let go of, but it shows us that we really did and still do hold a special place in our hearts for this person. It shows how many lives this special person has touched and blessed.
McKay, I'll never forget your smiling face. Every time I look at your name in the paper and in online articles, I am still in disbelief. I can't get your smile out of my head. It was full of innocence and a purity of heart. I'll admit, I did think you were a little cocky when I first met you almost three years ago; you probably knew how cool and attractive you were. But I literally saw the change that took place within you. I could see it in your countenance. You were a different man than the boy I first met the summer before my senior year of high school. We all love and miss you, but we know we'll see you again someday. I know you have Returned With Honor to your Father in Heaven.
Friends, family pay homage to fallen Elders in Romania
Before I knew it, I was already crying. How could he be gone? I remember so clearly meeting him at SOAR in 2007. I played soccer with him, Israel, and the other, taller McKay right outside the Morris center during free-time one day. I remember thinking how cute he was (of course, this was before I met Josh) and he had such a fun, carefree spirit about him. Fast forward about a year and a half. It's my first week at BYU-Provo and I had just gone through a pretty bad break-up with a boyfriend. He invited me and my friends to play flag football on Helaman Fields with him and his friends and even took me on my first date while in Utah (again, this was before Josh). We were supposed to hike to these hot springs but none of his friends or their dates knew where the trail that led to it was. So we pretty much ended up wandering around the woods for a good two hours, but it was still fun! He joked around and made sure I was having fun. When I got cold, he took off his jacket and gave it to me even though the sun was long gone and it was freezing. I ended up hanging onto that jacket for 5 or so months following because I hadn't really seen him around campus after that. I managed to get it back to him before we all left school for the summer, but I feel really lame that I didn't return it to him in person.
The article said that the Burrows' family was not ready to talk to the media and I don't really blame them. If one of my brothers died on his mission, I'd just cry and cry forever...and if it were Josh...I don't even want to think about that possibility...it hurts too bad. But these two missionaries' families really need our prayers more than ever to cope with their loss.
I am so grateful we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes life can seem so unfair, but as hard as it may be, we need to realize that it is the Lord who is the Master of all our lives. He sees the whole picture and all we see is a tiny part of it. Perhaps the Lord has saved a special place in the eternities for these two missionaries. Maybe he needed the both of them to perform a greater work which we cannot even begin to comprehend. After all, it isn't our mortal life that matters, although it is very important for us to make the best of our probationary time on earth; for we will be judged according to our works in the Millenium. But the more important part of our existence is what comes after this. The Lord is preparing us for all that is to come in the next life; He truly does have so much in store for us. The pain we feel with the loss of a dear one is not easy to forget nor is it easy to let go of, but it shows us that we really did and still do hold a special place in our hearts for this person. It shows how many lives this special person has touched and blessed.
McKay, I'll never forget your smiling face. Every time I look at your name in the paper and in online articles, I am still in disbelief. I can't get your smile out of my head. It was full of innocence and a purity of heart. I'll admit, I did think you were a little cocky when I first met you almost three years ago; you probably knew how cool and attractive you were. But I literally saw the change that took place within you. I could see it in your countenance. You were a different man than the boy I first met the summer before my senior year of high school. We all love and miss you, but we know we'll see you again someday. I know you have Returned With Honor to your Father in Heaven.
Friends, family pay homage to fallen Elders in Romania
Thursday, January 21, 2010
WORST. DREAM. EVER.
I hate bad dreams. Because I always remember my dreams, regardless of whether if it's good or bad. It's like having bad memories that didn't even happen but won't be erased from my brain. Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about someone chasing me and trying to kill me. Typical bad dream, right? Well last night's dream, I assure you, is far, far worse than that one.
Last night's dream was about Josh. At first you might be thinking that this is a good dream, right? I mean, I got to see his face. I haven't seen his face in almost a year..but as the dream went on I discovered that Josh had been two-timing me on his mission! Not only did he meet another girl (a freakin HAOLE girl), but he MARRIED her while on his mission. Kind of against the rules, don't you think? And turns out he'd been in touch with this girl for a year by the time I found out. He had been writing me pretending to still love me. I didn't only know they got married, I saw it. I saw the way they posed for their engagement and bridal pictures. I saw them looking into each others' eyes as a newlywed couple. I saw who was in the bride's wedding line and it was a bunch of freakin ex-con's all tatted up and everything. The wedding was freaking ghetto. But there was Josh, waiting for his bride at the end of the line. And the bride was NOT me. It was that ghetto ex-con Haole girl. Worst part? He looked happy. Fast forward to the present (in my dream) when I confronted him about this, he immediately broke up/divorced/whatever with her and felt horrible. At first I sent him a text saying that I still loved him. (Kinda pathetic that even in my dreams I'm texting). And that made him happy. But then I told him (in person) that I didn't know if I could EVER forgive him for hurting me like this. Some friend that was by me told me to be a little easier on him, since he was already feeling guilty and torn apart over it. But I knew my pain exceeded any pain at all that he was feeling. And then I woke up.
...I woke up and freakin started BALLING and I started muttering, "No....no.....no......that can't be..." and I just kept crying. But wait! It gets even better!
I grabbed my phone and started scrolling down my contacts list looking for any name of a person that would be up to answering my call at that hour. Most people were back home where it was 6:30 in the morning so I couldn't call anyone back home. And then my thumb subconsciously stopped scrolling when it hit "Elder Graham". I almost immediately pressed call because I thought it was his old number which is now disconnected. I figured that just calling, even though no one would answer, would make me feel better. But then I remembered: I saved the number he called me from on Christmas Day because he called a couple times telling me what time he would be able to call and I didn't want to not answer it because it was a number I didn't recognize. I guess I forgot to delete it from my phonebook since it was now useless (or so I thought..). I immediately memorized the number so I could dial it with *67 in the front of it to block my number. I called, my heart started pounding and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. And then he ANSWERED!! I thought my heart was going to pound a hole in my chest. He answered and I knew it was his voice, I knew it was him, I just knew it. The love of my life was so close, yet so far, just on the other side of the line. I didn't speak because I didn't want him to know it was me, all I needed as to hear his voice. Even if I wanted to speak, I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't breathe as it was. So after he said "Alo?" (Spanish 'Hello?') about three times, I hung up...and broke down crying again. I sank down to the floor and without knowing it, I was suddenly in the position, on my knees, to pray. So I prayed...so hard...and one of the things I said was, "Is this really what your will is? For me to let go of him (for now)?" and then suddenly it hit me....last night in my personal prayers, I said something new. I said, "Heavenly Father, please help me to let thy will, not my will, be done."
And then He gave me this dream.
Coincidence? I don't think so...I wish it were.
I'm going to read my scriptures after work and do some more praying about what to do about this. Usually, I tell a friend or my mom what happened and I ask for their advice. But not this time. This is a personal matter, something I need to do on my own to become a stronger person. I need to follow the Spirit and ONLY the Spirit.
This is going to be so hard....I hope I'm strong enough to say the right things to Josh when I finally write him about it. And I hope I do the right thing because it is right, not because it will be for my benefit in any way.
Let me just sleep for the next ten months...and NOT have anymore dreams like that ever again.
Last night's dream was about Josh. At first you might be thinking that this is a good dream, right? I mean, I got to see his face. I haven't seen his face in almost a year..but as the dream went on I discovered that Josh had been two-timing me on his mission! Not only did he meet another girl (a freakin HAOLE girl), but he MARRIED her while on his mission. Kind of against the rules, don't you think? And turns out he'd been in touch with this girl for a year by the time I found out. He had been writing me pretending to still love me. I didn't only know they got married, I saw it. I saw the way they posed for their engagement and bridal pictures. I saw them looking into each others' eyes as a newlywed couple. I saw who was in the bride's wedding line and it was a bunch of freakin ex-con's all tatted up and everything. The wedding was freaking ghetto. But there was Josh, waiting for his bride at the end of the line. And the bride was NOT me. It was that ghetto ex-con Haole girl. Worst part? He looked happy. Fast forward to the present (in my dream) when I confronted him about this, he immediately broke up/divorced/whatever with her and felt horrible. At first I sent him a text saying that I still loved him. (Kinda pathetic that even in my dreams I'm texting). And that made him happy. But then I told him (in person) that I didn't know if I could EVER forgive him for hurting me like this. Some friend that was by me told me to be a little easier on him, since he was already feeling guilty and torn apart over it. But I knew my pain exceeded any pain at all that he was feeling. And then I woke up.
...I woke up and freakin started BALLING and I started muttering, "No....no.....no......that can't be..." and I just kept crying. But wait! It gets even better!
I grabbed my phone and started scrolling down my contacts list looking for any name of a person that would be up to answering my call at that hour. Most people were back home where it was 6:30 in the morning so I couldn't call anyone back home. And then my thumb subconsciously stopped scrolling when it hit "Elder Graham". I almost immediately pressed call because I thought it was his old number which is now disconnected. I figured that just calling, even though no one would answer, would make me feel better. But then I remembered: I saved the number he called me from on Christmas Day because he called a couple times telling me what time he would be able to call and I didn't want to not answer it because it was a number I didn't recognize. I guess I forgot to delete it from my phonebook since it was now useless (or so I thought..). I immediately memorized the number so I could dial it with *67 in the front of it to block my number. I called, my heart started pounding and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. And then he ANSWERED!! I thought my heart was going to pound a hole in my chest. He answered and I knew it was his voice, I knew it was him, I just knew it. The love of my life was so close, yet so far, just on the other side of the line. I didn't speak because I didn't want him to know it was me, all I needed as to hear his voice. Even if I wanted to speak, I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't breathe as it was. So after he said "Alo?" (Spanish 'Hello?') about three times, I hung up...and broke down crying again. I sank down to the floor and without knowing it, I was suddenly in the position, on my knees, to pray. So I prayed...so hard...and one of the things I said was, "Is this really what your will is? For me to let go of him (for now)?" and then suddenly it hit me....last night in my personal prayers, I said something new. I said, "Heavenly Father, please help me to let thy will, not my will, be done."
And then He gave me this dream.
Coincidence? I don't think so...I wish it were.
I'm going to read my scriptures after work and do some more praying about what to do about this. Usually, I tell a friend or my mom what happened and I ask for their advice. But not this time. This is a personal matter, something I need to do on my own to become a stronger person. I need to follow the Spirit and ONLY the Spirit.
This is going to be so hard....I hope I'm strong enough to say the right things to Josh when I finally write him about it. And I hope I do the right thing because it is right, not because it will be for my benefit in any way.
Let me just sleep for the next ten months...and NOT have anymore dreams like that ever again.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Just killing time waiting for my email...
It was MLK Day yesterday so the libraries were closed. Josh sent me a short email from a member's computer so today I'm assuming they get to go to the libraries for email time, right?! I hope so.
14/10.
14 months down, 10 more to go! Ugh if only it would hurry up. I had another dream about Josh's homecoming last night...it felt so real...and I was thinking, "At last, the wait is OVER. I've done it!! He'll never leave my side for so long ever again..." and then my alarm went off and I freaking woke up. I seriously felt like crying when I realized it wasn't real... Dang it. :(
I just want this semester to be over. Then time will start picking up like crazy! Semester, a niece and a nephew will be born :), Isaac graduates from Basic Training in Texas, Jake graduates from UVU, then I come HOME, work Summer Fun, surf everyday, start school at BYU-H....by then I'll have 2 months left and before I know it, he'll be home!
14/10.
14 months down, 10 more to go! Ugh if only it would hurry up. I had another dream about Josh's homecoming last night...it felt so real...and I was thinking, "At last, the wait is OVER. I've done it!! He'll never leave my side for so long ever again..." and then my alarm went off and I freaking woke up. I seriously felt like crying when I realized it wasn't real... Dang it. :(
I just want this semester to be over. Then time will start picking up like crazy! Semester, a niece and a nephew will be born :), Isaac graduates from Basic Training in Texas, Jake graduates from UVU, then I come HOME, work Summer Fun, surf everyday, start school at BYU-H....by then I'll have 2 months left and before I know it, he'll be home!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Butterflies.
He gives me butterflies. <3
I'm really excited because I just bought the new album from Kolohe Kai called This Is The Life and the first song is called "Butterflies". I love it!!! I'm excited to get my hands on an 'ukulele again so I can play and sing the songs...I really miss doing that. :/
YESSSSS LONG WEEKEND NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!! Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr. You're the MAN.
I'm hoping the libraries aren't closed tomorrow...I am excited to email Josh :) Just as excited as I get every week <3
Your voice has got me trippin'//I can't stop missin' missin' you//I just wanna kiss you so bad" -Kolohe Kai, The Kiss That I Never Had
LOVE this album!!! And I'm totally ridiculously madly irrevocably in love with Joshua Graham... ;)
I'm really excited because I just bought the new album from Kolohe Kai called This Is The Life and the first song is called "Butterflies". I love it!!! I'm excited to get my hands on an 'ukulele again so I can play and sing the songs...I really miss doing that. :/
YESSSSS LONG WEEKEND NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!! Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr. You're the MAN.
I'm hoping the libraries aren't closed tomorrow...I am excited to email Josh :) Just as excited as I get every week <3
Your voice has got me trippin'//I can't stop missin' missin' you//I just wanna kiss you so bad" -Kolohe Kai, The Kiss That I Never Had
LOVE this album!!! And I'm totally ridiculously madly irrevocably in love with Joshua Graham... ;)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Swallowed in the Sea
You cut me down a tree and brought it back to me
and that’s what made me see where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me
and I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
and I could write it down or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea
You put me on a line and hung me out to dry
Darling that’s when I decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes
Made me realize what I could not see
and I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world
and then it took, it took it back from me
and I could write it down and spread it all around
Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea
Oohhhhh Ahhhhhh
and I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
The streets you’re walking on, a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live with nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see
Oh the streets you’re walking on a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea
Yeah you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
and that’s what made me see where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me
and I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
and I could write it down or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea
You put me on a line and hung me out to dry
Darling that’s when I decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes
Made me realize what I could not see
and I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world
and then it took, it took it back from me
and I could write it down and spread it all around
Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea
Oohhhhh Ahhhhhh
and I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
The streets you’re walking on, a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live with nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see
Oh the streets you’re walking on a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea
Yeah you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
So in love...
This picture was taken before I met him so I cropped out his date..hehe
Elder Herrera (left) went home already! Weird...
HAHAHAHA I LOVE HIM!!!
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