Ummmmmm I'd just like to say that I have THE most amazing missionary/boyfriend EVER!!!! I just got my Christmas package from him today which was perfect because tomorrow is Christmas day, and there's no post on Christmas obviously.
I hardly ever cry when I get stuff from Josh, I usually have a permanent smile stuck to my face for about 294309 hours. But this video he recorded for me is way more than I ever could have asked for. I am so madly in love with him I don't even know how to describe it. All I can say is....less than 11 months...and all of this, all of the daily crap I put up with when I'm in Utah and sometimes even when I'm home...it'll be worth it. And that's why I keep going. There's no greater motivator than LOVE.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
3/10
3 days til I go home and 10 days til CHRISTMAS!!! Hopefully I can send Josh's package tomorrow or Thursday. I really hope I have time. I still have to take 2 more finals, do cleaning inspections, send the package, and pack for my flight home. Oh and I have to work on Thursday. This week is so busy!
MAN HEROES IS GETTING SOOOO GOOD LIKE OMG I'm almost done with Season 3 :)
Oh yeah and yesterday I found out that I won't be getting my own phonecall on Christmas. Dangit. :( That's okay, I'm comfortable with Windy being on the phone. I guess it is a good thing.
I'll post pics of the card I made for Josh's Christmas package later.
MAN HEROES IS GETTING SOOOO GOOD LIKE OMG I'm almost done with Season 3 :)
Oh yeah and yesterday I found out that I won't be getting my own phonecall on Christmas. Dangit. :( That's okay, I'm comfortable with Windy being on the phone. I guess it is a good thing.
I'll post pics of the card I made for Josh's Christmas package later.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Current Obsession: Heroes.
Ahhhhh I watched the whole first season in like 3 days and I shouldn't have started a new season. I hope I don't fail my finals.
OH and I absolutely LOVE mondays!!!!!! I love getting Josh emails :) :) :) :)
only 11 more days and I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I can't wait to surf! And to see my family again! And my future family! And for Christmas! AND TO TALK TO JOSH ON THE PHONE!!! <3 <3 <3
OH and I absolutely LOVE mondays!!!!!! I love getting Josh emails :) :) :) :)
only 11 more days and I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I can't wait to surf! And to see my family again! And my future family! And for Christmas! AND TO TALK TO JOSH ON THE PHONE!!! <3 <3 <3
Monday, November 30, 2009
Attention Deficit Disorder.
HOLY CRAP I NEED TO FOCUS OR ELSE I'M GOING TO FAIL THIS WHOLE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Maybe my mom is right....maybe not
I haven't lived without being loved by a significant other for about...almost 4 years. Maybe I should try it. Experience feeling totally alone in this world. I mean I'm as close as I've ever been. I have no friends anymore. Severed ties because of lies and mistakes and regrets. Putting one thing before another where it shouldn't be. Maybe I won't appreciate my own life until I look at it exclusive of anyone else.
I feel like she's wrong though. I try to honor her like the commandments say to by listening to her...but there's this strong feeling I keep getting that, for once, maybe she is wrong.
Anyways. I had a dream two nights ago.
So it was my wedding day and everyone was getting me ready. People were running around getting decorations taken care of, doing my hair, makeup, fixing my dress, etc. When I was finished getting ready, I walked out into this waiting area that looked almost exactly like Alana's reception place (they went to these Estates on the North Shore). The room was so pretty, everything was made of beautifully refinished Koa wood and etched glass designs. As I looked into the mirror, I saw my reflection very clearly. I don't say this often - if ever - but...I looked absolutely beautiful. My long hair was down and fell nicely on my body with light curls on the ends (ever since I was little, I wanted hair like this). My modest, pure white wedding dress was perfect. I was ready to go into the sealing room of the temple, but had to wait. There was another couple getting sealed before me. As things finally settled down and I realized what was to take place and the new covenants I would be making, I smiled so hard and I felt butterflies in my tummy. Seriously, I felt butterflies even in my dream! That was a first. Everything felt so real. And then I noticed...where was the groom? He wasn't there! Josh wasn't there. Yes, Josh was the groom. He couldn't come yet because...he was still on his mission! My wedding planner finally announced to everyone, "Thanks for coming to this wedding rehearsal!! Be sure to come to the real wedding which will take place on April 24, 2011!" I was devastated...it was only my rehearsal?! I started crying because I wanted so badly to marry him now...and because I got all dressed up for nothing! And that's when I woke up because my mom sent me a text message and I felt my phone buzzing.
Does anyone else think it's weird that she wakes up before I do, and she's 3 hours behind?
I feel like she's wrong though. I try to honor her like the commandments say to by listening to her...but there's this strong feeling I keep getting that, for once, maybe she is wrong.
Anyways. I had a dream two nights ago.
So it was my wedding day and everyone was getting me ready. People were running around getting decorations taken care of, doing my hair, makeup, fixing my dress, etc. When I was finished getting ready, I walked out into this waiting area that looked almost exactly like Alana's reception place (they went to these Estates on the North Shore). The room was so pretty, everything was made of beautifully refinished Koa wood and etched glass designs. As I looked into the mirror, I saw my reflection very clearly. I don't say this often - if ever - but...I looked absolutely beautiful. My long hair was down and fell nicely on my body with light curls on the ends (ever since I was little, I wanted hair like this). My modest, pure white wedding dress was perfect. I was ready to go into the sealing room of the temple, but had to wait. There was another couple getting sealed before me. As things finally settled down and I realized what was to take place and the new covenants I would be making, I smiled so hard and I felt butterflies in my tummy. Seriously, I felt butterflies even in my dream! That was a first. Everything felt so real. And then I noticed...where was the groom? He wasn't there! Josh wasn't there. Yes, Josh was the groom. He couldn't come yet because...he was still on his mission! My wedding planner finally announced to everyone, "Thanks for coming to this wedding rehearsal!! Be sure to come to the real wedding which will take place on April 24, 2011!" I was devastated...it was only my rehearsal?! I started crying because I wanted so badly to marry him now...and because I got all dressed up for nothing! And that's when I woke up because my mom sent me a text message and I felt my phone buzzing.
Does anyone else think it's weird that she wakes up before I do, and she's 3 hours behind?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Unimagineable.
My mom sent me a text saying she wanted me to "Dear John" Josh....
that really tugged hard at my heart strings..... :(
if only she could understand..
that really tugged hard at my heart strings..... :(
if only she could understand..
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Surviving is much different from Living.
I've been trying to avoid this feeling. This overwhelming and despairingly horrible feeling. I thought that once I passed that one year mark I'd be so happy to know that I have more time behind me than before me. Why do I not feel any weight being lifted off my shoulders? It's so weird I can hardly explain it.
I can't pinpoint exactly when I knew that he was the one for me. But I know for a fact that there has never been a moment of question, never a moment of doubt about that subject. Many people (including my own mother) misunderstand me and my situation. That's alright, not many people have had first-hand experience with my situation (outside of Provo, that is) so it's impossible to understand and even try to empathize with.
I've survived one year without the other half of my heart. One year without the existence that completes me. One year without my best friend. I only have one more to survive without him. I know I should be grateful for this time apart, it teaches me many things. I've learned to depend more upon myself for things like financial security, school, happiness, etc. It has made me appreciate the luxury of physically being in the presence of the one to whom I willingly give my whole heart to.
I wish I could accurately express my feelings without sounding whiney. But I guess that's not entirely possible.
How many people know what it's like to constantly have dreams almost every night about the most important person in the world finally being reunited with them again, only to wake up and realize it was just a dream? How many people know what it's like to get that empty feeling in their gut whenever they see an empty mailbox or the lack of bold lettering of a new message in their email inbox? How many people know what it's like to see other couples cuddling, smiling, laughing, kissing, eating together -- seeing only each other and no one else -- and know that they won't be able to do that again for a long long time?
I could go on and on. My point is, this is what I go through. If it weren't for true love -- if it weren't for the knowledge of our perfect co-existence -- I wouldn't think for a second to put myself through this. Like I said, it's not easy to understand. But I willingly do this. I wait. Humans are naturally impatient. Multiply the impatience of a typical human by a hundred and that's me. But I am living against the grain for one of the very few things I'd do it for -- true love.
I don't just want to survive this next and last year, I want to live.
I can't pinpoint exactly when I knew that he was the one for me. But I know for a fact that there has never been a moment of question, never a moment of doubt about that subject. Many people (including my own mother) misunderstand me and my situation. That's alright, not many people have had first-hand experience with my situation (outside of Provo, that is) so it's impossible to understand and even try to empathize with.
I've survived one year without the other half of my heart. One year without the existence that completes me. One year without my best friend. I only have one more to survive without him. I know I should be grateful for this time apart, it teaches me many things. I've learned to depend more upon myself for things like financial security, school, happiness, etc. It has made me appreciate the luxury of physically being in the presence of the one to whom I willingly give my whole heart to.
I wish I could accurately express my feelings without sounding whiney. But I guess that's not entirely possible.
How many people know what it's like to constantly have dreams almost every night about the most important person in the world finally being reunited with them again, only to wake up and realize it was just a dream? How many people know what it's like to get that empty feeling in their gut whenever they see an empty mailbox or the lack of bold lettering of a new message in their email inbox? How many people know what it's like to see other couples cuddling, smiling, laughing, kissing, eating together -- seeing only each other and no one else -- and know that they won't be able to do that again for a long long time?
I could go on and on. My point is, this is what I go through. If it weren't for true love -- if it weren't for the knowledge of our perfect co-existence -- I wouldn't think for a second to put myself through this. Like I said, it's not easy to understand. But I willingly do this. I wait. Humans are naturally impatient. Multiply the impatience of a typical human by a hundred and that's me. But I am living against the grain for one of the very few things I'd do it for -- true love.
I don't just want to survive this next and last year, I want to live.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Yesterday was crazy!
So guess what I did to celebrate the one year mark? I ALMOST CUT MY FREAKING THUMB OFF!!!
Okay. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I still had to go to the BYU Health Center emergency. I was slicing frozen dough at work and my boss was talking to me so I wasn't really paying attention....and I sliced a chunk of skin off my thumb. It was gross!! And then she tells me that it was a brand new knife, thanks for the warning!! Seriously. So now my thumb looks like this:
Pretty retarded looking, I know. Oh and my thumb too, haha. (Get it? I was referring to my face...okay whatever that was lame).
I never realized how much I needed both my thumbs till I messed up my left one! Man, it was nasty when they took the initial bandaids off to clean and re-bandage it up. So bloody. Yuck.
On a happier note, I went and saw New Moon with Spencer and Stacee last night. It was alright, but oh. my. gosh. Taylor Lautner was freaking HOT after he chopped his hair off. I wanted to punch Bella in the face not only for her horrible acting but also for choosing the pale hairy older guy (aka Edfreakingward). Whatever, she's lame.
Team Jacob <3
hahaha
Okay. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I still had to go to the BYU Health Center emergency. I was slicing frozen dough at work and my boss was talking to me so I wasn't really paying attention....and I sliced a chunk of skin off my thumb. It was gross!! And then she tells me that it was a brand new knife, thanks for the warning!! Seriously. So now my thumb looks like this:
Pretty retarded looking, I know. Oh and my thumb too, haha. (Get it? I was referring to my face...okay whatever that was lame).
I never realized how much I needed both my thumbs till I messed up my left one! Man, it was nasty when they took the initial bandaids off to clean and re-bandage it up. So bloody. Yuck.
On a happier note, I went and saw New Moon with Spencer and Stacee last night. It was alright, but oh. my. gosh. Taylor Lautner was freaking HOT after he chopped his hair off. I wanted to punch Bella in the face not only for her horrible acting but also for choosing the pale hairy older guy (aka Edfreakingward). Whatever, she's lame.
Team Jacob <3
hahaha
Thursday, November 19, 2009
T-Minus 365 days...
Today is Josh's one year mark on his mission! Exactly one year ago today I was sitting with him, talking with him, crying with him (okay, he didn't cry but I did!) at the Provo temple. FREEZING my butt off! But it was totally worth it. He said I was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. In a time when all I want to do is breakdown under the pressure and weight of two years on my shoulders, he just smiled and said I was glowing. It may sound weird now, but there was so much meaning behind what he said to me.
I said goodbye to him for two years (alright, I did see him once in a while every time I worked) and his family signed "I Love You" to me as I walked away...after only 3 days with them. I didn't want to turn my back because I knew that as soon as I did, that was it. The goodbye was official and the two year time clock began.
But today...today proves that I have reached the top of the hill. The stupid uphill struggle is over. OVER! And it's all downhill now... :)
Oh yeah, Monday was his 21st birthday too so....Happy 21st Birthday, mi amor.
P.S. - I've had to make my facebook, blog, and xanga all private and only friends and people I choose can read it now. Due to my mom's irritating comments and telling me what to do. So yeah.
I said goodbye to him for two years (alright, I did see him once in a while every time I worked) and his family signed "I Love You" to me as I walked away...after only 3 days with them. I didn't want to turn my back because I knew that as soon as I did, that was it. The goodbye was official and the two year time clock began.
But today...today proves that I have reached the top of the hill. The stupid uphill struggle is over. OVER! And it's all downhill now... :)
Oh yeah, Monday was his 21st birthday too so....Happy 21st Birthday, mi amor.
P.S. - I've had to make my facebook, blog, and xanga all private and only friends and people I choose can read it now. Due to my mom's irritating comments and telling me what to do. So yeah.
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