Turning to prayer.

My friend gave me this link to an AWESOME general conference talk by Richard G. Scott called Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer and it really helped me out with all these decisions weighing on my mind lately. It hasn't gotten any easier, but I've been able to go about it in a smarter way, with the Spirit.

Today started off pretty well. I was planning on sleeping in because my first class (which is normally at 11 am) got canceled. But for some reason, I haven't been able to sleep well at all lately and kept waking up. I just ended up getting out of bed at around 915-ish, which is when I usually get ready for class. So I decided to go running at around 10. It was such a beautiful day out and I really had no excuse not to run! Except how pathetically out of shape I am...I was dying and this thin air didn't help at all. I only ran for 25 min. But I got a lot of thinking done during that 25 min. Got ready for the day. Checked the mail and my day immediately got about ten times better. :)

First I got a letter from Josh. I love his letters! They aren't just boring, plain envelopes with one piece of paper in it that takes 2 seconds to read. For the past year our letters have been really interesting, haha. We always draw on the envelope we're sending (his artwork is WAY better than mine) and we always put little weird things in it from that week. Like in my Valentine's package/letter...I got some rocks and leaves from his backyard. It's funny how you treasure even the littlest, weirdest things just because they're from a special someone. So today's letter had writing and drawings on the envelope as usual, then I opened it and there was freaking...I don't even know inside. Hahaha. After reading the letter, I found out it was some stick that was from his dinner at Macaroni Grill and he broke it up into pieces, so it looked like a bunch of Christmas tree pine needles were in my envelope! I just shook my head and laughed and said "What a weirdo...hahaha."

But not only did I get a letter from Josh! His family sent me a care package for my birthday! And not a small one either, it was the biggest flat rate package box you can send (costs $14.50) and it was FULL of local snacks and ohhh my gosshhhh I was SOOOOO HAPPY!!! I wasn't even expecting it either!! I love his family so freaking much, I feel like I was truly meant to be a part of it. So later on I'm going to call Mama Graham them to thank them. They really didn't need to send me anything, a simple card would've been fine (which I also got :smile: ) but I'm just really grateful for the care package! I must send them a thank you card too.

I know that these past 15 1/2 months have been a crazy ride. Literally. I don't think it was that many significant events occurred (even though there kind of have been a lot..), but a lot of changes have occurred within myself. I've never tried this hard to be so faithful. I've never consistently had an attitude of the eternal perspective in my everyday life. I've never so consistently studied the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon with such depth and patience and respect. My testimony has grown so much. This is why I want to serve a mission so badly. I look at myself and my whole life as an "active" member of the church and then I look at me now. I know I was young and had yet to grow and mature, but I haven't had an active Spirit until now. And I credit the spark to the flame to Josh. The very fact that he is on a mission made me want to be a better person. In the beginning, I told myself "If I don't stay close to God, I won't be close to him. Whether or not I'm successful in this waiting process depends on the brightness of my testimony." So initially, I wanted to do it for him. But as I have further indulged myself in the gospel, there's this fire, this desire I can't really explain. I actually look forward to reading my scriptures each morning/night. It makes me want so badly to share it with the world. Everyone is equally loved by our Father in Heaven, and they deserve to come to this knowledge too. This knowledge of hope and love and peace.

I used to tell myself that going on a mission would be my back-up plan. Even though I was so very determined to make our relationship work, I just told myself, just in case, that I'd serve a mission if things don't work out between us.

Things have been working out. In fact, it's more than that. We've been so edified in each other and our testimonies have bonded and grown together. I love him on a level I never knew possible before. I thought it was all about feelings and passions for a special person. Now I see it as something so much more. It's as if we've become one with and in each other. His success equals my success. His happiness equals my happiness. Maybe this is what being sealed to someone for time and all eternity means? I hope that one day we will share that experience together. I suspect that in marriage, it doesn't mean life will be easier and more comfortable now that we are united, never to be separated again. It just means we covenant to take on greater commitments, to aspire to accomplish greater works with each of us contributing our spirits and personalities. I sure as heck don't expect parenthood to be easy, haha. But I think that's why it was meant to be shared by two people: both a mother and a father. It's not so that their ideas and methods of parenting can clash, it's so they can share the burden and build upon each other.

I really believe that choosing marriage or a mission would both be great works to undertake. I can't even imagine all the opportunities to serve that would come up. Bringing souls unto Christ, or bringing spirits into this world. We'll see which path I decide to take when I come to that fork in the road at the close of this year. The best thing to do now would be to turn to prayer. To continue to diligently and sincerely pray to be guided by the Lord. For now, I'll just prepare myself to enter the temple of the Lord. So that when I do make that decision, I will, without a doubt, be ready for what God would have me do.