Warning: Mushy Post.... ;)

Ummmmmm I'd just like to say that I have THE most amazing missionary/boyfriend EVER!!!! I just got my Christmas package from him today which was perfect because tomorrow is Christmas day, and there's no post on Christmas obviously.

I hardly ever cry when I get stuff from Josh, I usually have a permanent smile stuck to my face for about 294309 hours. But this video he recorded for me is way more than I ever could have asked for. I am so madly in love with him I don't even know how to describe it. All I can say is....less than 11 months...and all of this, all of the daily crap I put up with when I'm in Utah and sometimes even when I'm home...it'll be worth it. And that's why I keep going. There's no greater motivator than LOVE.

3/10

3 days til I go home and 10 days til CHRISTMAS!!! Hopefully I can send Josh's package tomorrow or Thursday. I really hope I have time. I still have to take 2 more finals, do cleaning inspections, send the package, and pack for my flight home. Oh and I have to work on Thursday. This week is so busy!

MAN HEROES IS GETTING SOOOO GOOD LIKE OMG I'm almost done with Season 3 :)

Oh yeah and yesterday I found out that I won't be getting my own phonecall on Christmas. Dangit. :( That's okay, I'm comfortable with Windy being on the phone. I guess it is a good thing.

I'll post pics of the card I made for Josh's Christmas package later.

Current Obsession: Heroes.

Ahhhhh I watched the whole first season in like 3 days and I shouldn't have started a new season. I hope I don't fail my finals.

OH and I absolutely LOVE mondays!!!!!! I love getting Josh emails :) :) :) :)

only 11 more days and I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I can't wait to surf! And to see my family again! And my future family! And for Christmas! AND TO TALK TO JOSH ON THE PHONE!!! <3 <3 <3

Attention Deficit Disorder.

HOLY CRAP I NEED TO FOCUS OR ELSE I'M GOING TO FAIL THIS WHOLE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!

Maybe my mom is right....maybe not

I haven't lived without being loved by a significant other for about...almost 4 years. Maybe I should try it. Experience feeling totally alone in this world. I mean I'm as close as I've ever been. I have no friends anymore. Severed ties because of lies and mistakes and regrets. Putting one thing before another where it shouldn't be. Maybe I won't appreciate my own life until I look at it exclusive of anyone else.

I feel like she's wrong though. I try to honor her like the commandments say to by listening to her...but there's this strong feeling I keep getting that, for once, maybe she is wrong.

Anyways. I had a dream two nights ago.

So it was my wedding day and everyone was getting me ready. People were running around getting decorations taken care of, doing my hair, makeup, fixing my dress, etc. When I was finished getting ready, I walked out into this waiting area that looked almost exactly like Alana's reception place (they went to these Estates on the North Shore). The room was so pretty, everything was made of beautifully refinished Koa wood and etched glass designs. As I looked into the mirror, I saw my reflection very clearly. I don't say this often - if ever - but...I looked absolutely beautiful. My long hair was down and fell nicely on my body with light curls on the ends (ever since I was little, I wanted hair like this). My modest, pure white wedding dress was perfect. I was ready to go into the sealing room of the temple, but had to wait. There was another couple getting sealed before me. As things finally settled down and I realized what was to take place and the new covenants I would be making, I smiled so hard and I felt butterflies in my tummy. Seriously, I felt butterflies even in my dream! That was a first. Everything felt so real. And then I noticed...where was the groom? He wasn't there! Josh wasn't there. Yes, Josh was the groom. He couldn't come yet because...he was still on his mission! My wedding planner finally announced to everyone, "Thanks for coming to this wedding rehearsal!! Be sure to come to the real wedding which will take place on April 24, 2011!" I was devastated...it was only my rehearsal?! I started crying because I wanted so badly to marry him now...and because I got all dressed up for nothing! And that's when I woke up because my mom sent me a text message and I felt my phone buzzing.

Does anyone else think it's weird that she wakes up before I do, and she's 3 hours behind?

Unimagineable.

My mom sent me a text saying she wanted me to "Dear John" Josh....

that really tugged hard at my heart strings..... :(

if only she could understand..

Me gusta mi reggae!!

Dark Angel - Tribal Seeds

Surviving is much different from Living.

I've been trying to avoid this feeling. This overwhelming and despairingly horrible feeling. I thought that once I passed that one year mark I'd be so happy to know that I have more time behind me than before me. Why do I not feel any weight being lifted off my shoulders? It's so weird I can hardly explain it.

I can't pinpoint exactly when I knew that he was the one for me. But I know for a fact that there has never been a moment of question, never a moment of doubt about that subject. Many people (including my own mother) misunderstand me and my situation. That's alright, not many people have had first-hand experience with my situation (outside of Provo, that is) so it's impossible to understand and even try to empathize with.

I've survived one year without the other half of my heart. One year without the existence that completes me. One year without my best friend. I only have one more to survive without him. I know I should be grateful for this time apart, it teaches me many things. I've learned to depend more upon myself for things like financial security, school, happiness, etc. It has made me appreciate the luxury of physically being in the presence of the one to whom I willingly give my whole heart to.

I wish I could accurately express my feelings without sounding whiney. But I guess that's not entirely possible.

How many people know what it's like to constantly have dreams almost every night about the most important person in the world finally being reunited with them again, only to wake up and realize it was just a dream? How many people know what it's like to get that empty feeling in their gut whenever they see an empty mailbox or the lack of bold lettering of a new message in their email inbox? How many people know what it's like to see other couples cuddling, smiling, laughing, kissing, eating together -- seeing only each other and no one else -- and know that they won't be able to do that again for a long long time?

I could go on and on. My point is, this is what I go through. If it weren't for true love -- if it weren't for the knowledge of our perfect co-existence -- I wouldn't think for a second to put myself through this. Like I said, it's not easy to understand. But I willingly do this. I wait. Humans are naturally impatient. Multiply the impatience of a typical human by a hundred and that's me. But I am living against the grain for one of the very few things I'd do it for -- true love.

I don't just want to survive this next and last year, I want to live.

Yesterday was crazy!

So guess what I did to celebrate the one year mark? I ALMOST CUT MY FREAKING THUMB OFF!!!
Okay. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I still had to go to the BYU Health Center emergency. I was slicing frozen dough at work and my boss was talking to me so I wasn't really paying attention....and I sliced a chunk of skin off my thumb. It was gross!! And then she tells me that it was a brand new knife, thanks for the warning!! Seriously. So now my thumb looks like this:


Pretty retarded looking, I know. Oh and my thumb too, haha. (Get it? I was referring to my face...okay whatever that was lame).

I never realized how much I needed both my thumbs till I messed up my left one! Man, it was nasty when they took the initial bandaids off to clean and re-bandage it up. So bloody. Yuck.

On a happier note, I went and saw New Moon with Spencer and Stacee last night. It was alright, but oh. my. gosh. Taylor Lautner was freaking HOT after he chopped his hair off. I wanted to punch Bella in the face not only for her horrible acting but also for choosing the pale hairy older guy (aka Edfreakingward). Whatever, she's lame.

Team Jacob <3
hahaha

T-Minus 365 days...

Today is Josh's one year mark on his mission! Exactly one year ago today I was sitting with him, talking with him, crying with him (okay, he didn't cry but I did!) at the Provo temple. FREEZING my butt off! But it was totally worth it. He said I was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. In a time when all I want to do is breakdown under the pressure and weight of two years on my shoulders, he just smiled and said I was glowing. It may sound weird now, but there was so much meaning behind what he said to me.

I said goodbye to him for two years (alright, I did see him once in a while every time I worked) and his family signed "I Love You" to me as I walked away...after only 3 days with them. I didn't want to turn my back because I knew that as soon as I did, that was it. The goodbye was official and the two year time clock began.

But today...today proves that I have reached the top of the hill. The stupid uphill struggle is over. OVER! And it's all downhill now... :)

Oh yeah, Monday was his 21st birthday too so....Happy 21st Birthday, mi amor.

P.S. - I've had to make my facebook, blog, and xanga all private and only friends and people I choose can read it now. Due to my mom's irritating comments and telling me what to do. So yeah.

DRAMA sucks.

I totally don't need it right now.

I've wasted too much time today. :(

Sigh....

Waiting is so hard... :(

Monday Revivals.

I really don't know where I'd be if I didn't get emails every Monday. They literally uplift me so much and I get a Spiritual and emotional rejuvenation. A new boost to get through the rest of the week.

The Halloween Weekend with him was officially one year ago as of this past weekend. I can't believe it. That full year just came and went so fast. Please let this next year go by just the same....

Oh. And I plan to be home for next Halloween. This one sucked so bad. Blehh.

I love him so much...
Almost halfway there....

NOVEMBER = <3

Well. It is now November. Which means a couple of things:

-Josh's birthday is this month
-it's almost been a year since Josh began his mission
-I only have to wait one more year to see him again
-Christmas is right around the corner
-I get to go home soon

All happy things. :D

Wanna know what WASN'T happy? Halloween this year. Remember how I spent my Halloween last year? Frea.king.a.ma.zing. I had a strong mix of emotions last night. First I was apathetic. Then I tried to enjoy myself among friends. But then I just wanted to be alone, so I went home. All I could think about was, "I can't believe that exactly one year ago, I was in his arms....more happy than I have ever been in my. entire. life. Now look at the situation I am in! A hell hole."

Yeah, I seriously can't take this anymore. Especially with my roommate situation. There's nothing for me here. What's the point in adjusting to life here if I don't ever plan on living here or establishing a family here? What's the point if the people I want to spend the rest of my life with aren't here?

All I know is, everything I'm going through right now requires patience.

Tocaste mi corazon...

A Missionary's Shoes...

A Missionary’s Shoes

I had a great experience the other day. In the transfer meeting I was
listening to the testimony of one of the new Elders. I looked at his shoes
and then I looked at mine. Tears came to my eyes. His shoes were brand new and shiny, just like the Elder with his enthusiasm—all ready to go to work. Mine were old and beat up but with a world of experience—just like the Elder wearing them.

I started thinking of my shoes. They’ve passed through two sewing jobs,
four sole replacements, and an infinite amount of paint jobs. They’ve
passed through the halls of the MTC, pounded the paved streets of Mexico
City, and kicked up dust in the small villages of Teotihuacan. They’ve
carried Books of Mormon, pamphlets, and sacks of vegetables and corn. They’ve tracked through sun, rain, mud, and smog. They’ve witnessed the visit of an Apostle, the change of mission presidents and, most important, the conversion and baptism of many humble Lamanites.

They love to play basketball with the youth, soccer with the street kids,
walk to discussions, and rest under the bed at night. They’ve been in the
jaws of a dog and within the walls of the Temple. They see miracles
constantly and go through heaven and hell daily. They have passed through many unexpected things and countless beautiful experiences—the most beautiful this world can provide. But most important is that through all this walking, sweating, crying, and laughing, they have followed a path that has led them to eternal happiness.

They have followed the same path two beat-up sandals followed in Jerusalem nearly 2,000 years ago. They have followed the path of “The Master.” They have taken up their cross for the love of the Mexican people just as those two sandals took up their cross for the love of all mankind. And, just as those sandals did, these two shoes have found that as they have lost their life in the service of others they have truly found themselves. They have found an eternal joy bigger than this world can provide. They have found that it’s not what’s on the outside that counts but what’s inside the soul.

These shoes aren’t just for two years, but are ready to walk to the ends of the earth and through all eternities to follow that path and help others to find it. I love these shoes and I love my Savior. I know He lives. I love
this work.

I remember a story Brigham Young told. He was visiting a young lady on her death bed. She had given up all her hopes for the future and her schooling at a very young age to go to work to support herself and her brother when her mother died and left them orphans. She had spent her short life working with her hands to feed her brother. She asked President Young how the Lord would know that she is His. President Young said, “Show Him your hands.”

When I return to my Maker, I’m going to show him my shoes.

Author Unknown

Words of Wisdom

This is a wallpost from the W4AM FB Group, and these words were not written by me, but by an MG named Emily. All waiter-haters should read it!!!

I don't think they are really concerned with the relationship working out or not I think people are more concerned about the ability of a missionary to focus on the Lord's work. People are negative about it because there ARE those girls who selfishly do things to distract their missionaries. And there ARE girls who find Mr. Right while Mr. Missionary is away (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing) but there ARE missionaries who choose to let those dear john letters make them lose focus on the Lord's work. And also, despite their girlfriends effort to make sure they are only being supportive and not distractive, there ARE missionaries who find it hard to keep their focus on the work when they have a girlfriend that they miss so much back home. Waiting isn't for everyone, but that doesn't mean that it isn't for anyone. There's no way for people to know you and your missionaries relationship, so there's no way for them to know that you don't fall into one of the above categories...and despite the fact that having a supportive girlfriend waiting back home can make a HUGE difference in how motivated and hardworking a missionary is... people tend to dwell on the negative... because it's easier to see. It's a lot easier to look at the negative side of things... it takes work to see the positive. And if people don't know you two well enough to care enough to use the energy to look at the positive... well... they don't. And they'll give you crap for it.

If you know what you're doing is the right choice for you and your missionary, it won't matter what everyone else thinks. Not that it's fun to be judged wrongfully... but nobody is perfect. So when people give you crap... just smile and nod, and say you understand their concern, but this is between you your missionary and the Lord. and leave it at that. And then try and best as you can to brush off what they say... because it will inevitably still bother you. Haha.

I seriously could not have said it better myself.

Anyone who knows me knows why I am posting this.

kccnfm100.com - #1 for All of Today's Hawaiian Hit Music Online

kccnfm100.com - #1 for All of Today's Hawaiian Hit Music Online

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God's Chisel

This video seriously gave me chicken skin the whole time I watched it and I cried in the end...it's amazing!

God's Chisel « Videos « The Skit Guys

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I cried.

"I know this email was short but ari, Thanks for you. You have a testimony as beautiful as you are, and spirit just as sweet too! Thanks for letting Christ mold you into who you are!!! You're beautiful! :) Keep it up! I'm praying for you and your familly! I love you and im writing you today!!!!
kljsdlkjgkasrglksdjaasjk and the gospels true!!!!!


HAVE AND AWESOME DAY!!!!!! :)
Elder graham


and smile!!!!!!!!"

":) Soo yeah... That email pretty much made my day... :) hey arent you supposed to be in class??? OR studying ???? Get to it missy... Well i gotta go again... Thanks sooo much again for everything! Sometimes i wonder why i have someone soo awesome as you writing a fool like me... You're awesome! :) But yeah... Oh and i wrote daniel another letter! I'll make a copy before i send it to you... I think he'll like it, well times up Audi-cakes but i'll talk to you soon! Make it a great day and i will too! Thanks again for your everything! :)
Con amor
Elder graham"

yeah he sent two in a row. he's so silly :p

happy happy 10 months!!!...

...yesterday!! Lol. Yay for double digits :)

Josh's dad was facebook chatting me for about 2 hours yesterday and this is one of the things he told me:

Ari - I want to make sure that you KNOW, without a doubt, that Claudia and I love you (to death ; ) and if you and ELder Graham get married you have our blessings. I want to make sure you know that - without ANY doubt.

YEAH I'M SO FRICKEN HAPPY!!! lol.

P.S. - Papers are so gay. I'd rather take tests. Ugh.

Sorta kinda a little obsessed... :P

So this has been my cell phone wallpaper for about a month now...I usually get indecisive on what to make it and change it like once a week...but this one? Simply can't get enough of it.

Aww look at that smile...and he's all mine. :)

Meh. -_-

Today was so up and down. Up because I had a lot of spiritually uplifting experiences what with Josh's email, my mom's email, and Papa Graham's email. And Josh's email made me so happy. And then I wrote him a 3 page letter front and back...lol.

Then for some reason I just hit a low...like maybe it's just Satan working hard on me cause I noticed that whenever I have a really awesome spiritually uplifting day, suddenly something happens and I'm brought way down. It sucks. I'm just feeling super emo right now and was eating junk food like crazy today. Ugh. Sometimes -- no, I take that back, ALL THE TIME -- I just want Josh to come home already. It's just something about Love that makes absolutely everything in your world so much brighter...I can't help but feeling lonely sometimes, even though I know I shouldn't be because I know he loves me and that we will be together again when he comes back. It's easy to get selfish and feel depressed -_- sigh. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

P.S. - This Saturday, he hits his 10 month mark. I'm getting sooooooooooo close to "Hump" Day (which means he's over the "hump" of the halfway mark and then I can start counting down instead of up) and I just want it to come already!!!!!!!! I'm so impatient, lol. Bleh. School sucks. :p

A much needed update.

Holy smokes!! I only posted ONCE in August?! Haha. You can tell my mind was nowhere near life outside of surfing and summer when the living's easy. Now that I am back in Utah, I expect there will be updates more often. Hmm...since it is not a school night and our internet FINALLY got fixed in the apartment complex, it's bloggin time!! (That sounded kinda gay...but...I'm the only one awake and I'm pretty bored..)

Ummm things with Josh are still great. Still going strong. He's still amazing. I still love him with all my might, mind, and heart! I love him so much. Sometimes I just wanna TELL HIM but I cannot. At least not right now...it's for the better. He really does get distracted easily when it comes to me. I can't believe I'm only 2 months away from the year mark!!!!! Where the heck has time gone?? I just hope the next year goes just as fast. September 8th marked our One Year Anniversary of being together :D and November 19th will mark one year left on the mission! I really am so proud of him, and maybe even of myself. I really am grateful for all the help and guidance and love from others that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. I truly am.

I changed my mind about updating often. I made a goal to do well this school year at BYU and I'm gonna stick to it. I'll update on the important days (i.e. his birthday & HUMP DAY = ONE YEAR LEFT!!) but other than that, I can't let myself get so distracted with my fantasies of him coming home already and moping around looking at pictures and videos and websites associated with him. You can tell I got a little better at coping over time because in January I have 16 posts, then it just goes downhill from there. It's kinda funny actually. And this is the exact purpose I made this blog for. It was for me to physically watch my progression and hopefully see my improvement in life during these two years. So yeah...peace out until the next post.

I LOVE HIM AND THE CHURCH IS TRUE and that's all that matters. :)

P.S. - I know I'm a dork for doing this, but I mapquested the distance between my apartment and his mission home. It's only a little over 2000 miles away and only like a 35 hour drive!! Not bad, eh? Not that I'm planning on roadtripping anytime soon in that direction...it'd be baaad..and I don't even have a car. So there. :P

In less than 100 days...

Josh will hit his year mark! Ahhhhh I'm so excited! :)

Summer Fun is Over :(

So yeah. I wrote about my end of Summer Fun in my xanga blog. I'm too lazy to copy and paste and upload the pics again. =P Gosh I'm going to miss all my kids :( and my junior leaders :( but I'm so glad I get automatic rehire for every summer after this!

I got some Happ-e-mail on mondayyyy :D

"Si no estas en mis brazos, no puedo vivir. Es verdad. Pero despues la mision..."
Whoever can speak Spanish, lucky you. You can understand what it says and why I cried tears of happiness. XD

Beautiful Things

...make me happy. The ocean, flowers, babies, green mountains, sunsets, stars..you get the idea. I noticed that whenever I see something so beautiful it makes me stop to take it in, I start thinking of Josh and how perfect it would be if he were there. This weekend I went camping with Rachel's family up on the North Shore on their relative's private property. It was right on the beach, so awesome. At night we made a fire and we were all just lying on the sand and talking and trying to keep warm as we stared up at the stars. I kept wishing so badly that Josh could be there to enjoy the moment with me already. Josh and I used to always talk about how we can't wait to go camping with each other, and do other things together. I want him by my side forever. Nothing could make me happier. Sigh...one day.

500 Days

After today I'll only have 500 days left!! Hey that number is definitely way better than the 735 I started with! Definitely better. So in this blog I'm just going to talk about a bunch of random things that somehow relate to him, which I tend to do for everything haha. I can relate anything and everything to him. I like having him in my life. No, I love it :) So yeah. Two weeks ago Josh said he was going on this 40 Day Fast where he doesn't fast food, but he fasts of things that would detract from the spirit even in the least. For me, that meant he would only send emails every other week which kinda made me bummed at first but I was smug when he told me it was because he struggled not thinking of me too much and he was letting his thoughts wander on me and his future with me and he felt it detracted from the spirit a little. I'm so proud of him for putting his work first and wanting to serve the people with fulness of heart. So yeah, tomorrow I get an email!! BIG SMILES!!

Umm. On a less happier note, I just found out I'm not going to get the same scholarship I got last year, which covered full tuition and books. I was pretty much devastated and had a panic attack. Now I have to save every scrap of money I get from my job and miscellaneous means of income to pay for school and all that comes with it. I am absolutely TERRIBLE with money, and for the first time in my life, I'm being forced to budget and manage my money carefully. At first I just didn't want to deal with it and hated whenever I discussed it with my parents, but then I had a little piece of insight come to me: it'll prepare me for marriage. So I think this is a sign that I'll be getting married soon! As in two years?! Lol. Maybe I'm letting my wishful thinking get to me. But really, it'll be really hard saving and paying for my schooling but it will also be a huge blessing. For one, I'll appreciate more fully the quality of the education I'm getting (which I didn't care for last year when I pretty much went to school for free) and it is also preparing me for when I get married! Hopefully I'm semi good with money by the time Josh comes back...I'll try hard. For him.

Back on a happier note, this semester marks Josh being in the mission field for ONE YEAR OMG!!!!!!!! Since I'm living with Christine (along with other friends) and she has a missionary out too, we're both going to celebrate by having a one year party at our place haha. Coincidentally, the New Moon movie comes out the day after Josh's one year mark (11/19) so that'll be exciting! I'm so happy time is going by so much faster! The closer I get to seeing Josh again it just gives me that much more hope for our future together. Sister Ho (josh's Auntie) was telling me yesterday at the ward picnic at the beach a success story of a couple she knows where the wife waited for her husband and now they have a baby. I just love how much support his family gives me. It really helps. :)

Anyways. I could go on forever talking about him so I'll stop here.
I love him, and always will.

Lucky

So I was once told that the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat matches me and Josh perfectly...and I think that's true :) Since I teach my kids Music at Summer Fun I decided to teach them the song Lucky so I learned how to play it on the ukulele. I recorded a video of myself singing and playing the song for Josh on his facebook, but I think I'm going to record it on my camera's memory stick so I can mail it to him for his birthday. I hope he likes it :)

I Love...

Since my blog is titled "I LOVE...", I decided to make a list of things I love. And these aren't just things I enjoy. They're things I'm passionate about, things I build the foundation of my life upon. It's not going to be in any particular order. Pretty random, I know. But fun :)

I LOVE...

elder joshua kamalama graham
Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ
my family
jaso, my 'opihi for life
surfing
my job
this gospel
josh
being Mormon
surfing
josh
getting letters and emails
spending money on josh
giving things to people
my life.

THE END. :)

I'm So Sick of Being Lonely.

Actually, that's an incorrect statement. I'm not sick of being lonely, I'm sick of being without you. If I didn't know you existed, didn't fall in love with you, I'd be fine by myself. But now that I've known you, loved you, been with you...I never want to live without that ever again. Never want to be incomplete. Although you still love me, the distance kills. The rules kill. I feel incomplete.

It's like that japanese song. Something about how we're all given two of each bodypart, except for the heart. Yeah. I can't really explain what I mean. But I know what I mean. And I know that it's you that completes me. Your heart that mine needs to feel whole.

Come back already? :/

Summer: Month 2/4

So as of June I started work and now the days have been flying by like nothing! I wake up, go to work, then surf till the sun goes down. By the time I shower and eat dinner it's like past 9 o'clock! Pretty crazy :)

ggggggggggaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I miss Josh.
:(

I. Have. No. Life.

Yup. That's exactly what I feel like right now. Not only did I lose my expensive cell phone that I only had for 2 months - no, that wasn't enough - but I just HAD to also lose my WALLET too! Which had my LIFE in there! Everything!! Drivers license, social security card, health insurance card, debit card, my BYU school I.D., family photos, my military I.D., even my library card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might as well be homeless, dangit! AND I have absolutely no money right now, being in between jobs sucks. In fact, I'm in the negatives in my checking account. I am so screwed.

At least I'm finally home. I was getting so sick of all the crowds. And the lines. And the constant travelling. I am definitely never going to take a job that requires constant travelling. I'm a homebody - and by that I mean I know for a fact that I'm going to live in Hawaii for the rest of my life after my schooling is finished. I'm so glad I'm not getting anywhere NEAR an airplane for at least 3 months. Screw airplanes already!!!

Now that I'm done venting....I'm happy to come home to emails and letters from Him. :) <3 He definitely makes my life worth living, even though he can't exactly be a part of it right now...I know he will in the end. And my favorite part about that? I'll never have to say goodbye to him ever again. Eternity....it'll definitely be the best with him in the equation. And the time I have to wait is nothing compared to what I'll have after.

Have you ever struggled to find something more than just those three special words that mean more to you than life itself, but remain frustrated not being able to find the right words capable of expressing anything remotely close to how you are feeling?

Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.

I wanna go home.

So at this point I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'll never get my phone back from the depths of the Tatsu ride at Six Flags. And I didn't get an email from Josh today. That's the first time he's missed a Monday emailing me since he's been out in the field. Maybe it's because I sent him like 4 emails this week (usually it's only one) and he ran out of time to respond to them...idk. Tomorrow or wednesday should be his second email day so hopefully that cheers me up.

I'd say three quarters of the time I've been with my family in Cali I've had enough fun to be distracted from things that are bothering me. Whenever we're at a theme park I enjoy myself and get excited for everything, with the exception of all the damn couples making out and hugging and feeling each other up in every line we wait in for every ride. But at the end of the day when I'm tired and my feet hurt and I don't have anything to distract myself from all my thoughts, I get kinda sad. Like right now. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a baby. But lately I've been missing Josh even more than usual. I swear everywhere I look all I see is his face and somehow he's always in the back of my mind because I know how much better and brighter he makes my life. During dinners, car rides, rollercoaster rides, firework shows, walking on the beach, surfing, even sleeping. I just imagine what it would be like with him in the picture and it makes my heart skip a beat and a smile slowly creeps up to my face and it even reaches my eyes. And then I remember how much time I have left until I can feel that kind of happiness again, and those feelings leave as fast as they came.

I just want to go home and surf all day with my friends and just be in the ocean. It's like that's the only thing I can do without him where I am content and can be truly happy despite his absence.

1/4 1/4 1/4 XD!!!!

Yayyyyy Happy 6 Months to (me and) Josh on his mission!!! Can you believe it's already been 6 months??? Holy crap!! I'm so stoked to be one-fourth done with waiting for him!! I got three emails from him in the last two days and I can honestly say that although we have changed individually, our relationship has not changed one bit. Actually, it has! Because we've become so much closer than ever before and my love for him just grows with each passing month! I can do this. I just have to keep this up. By the time I go back to school it'll almost have been 1 year and then he'll be halfway done!! Crrraaazzyyyy!!!!

As a side note, I got my wisdom teeth on the bottom removed last Thursday and it's STILL BOTHERING ME! Freakinga;dkgahlsdasd. When I told Josh about it he said "Well it's a good thing I'm not there because I'd probably be teasing you...A LOT!!" Haha he's so cute. He is definitely still my Josh. I wish he were here with me already. Hugh.

That's alright...only 18 more months and I'll never ever have to say goodbye to him again...

His dream.

So Elder Graham told me about a dream he had about two nights ago and I thought it was cute so I thought I'd share it. Or maybe I like it more because now I know that he still has dreams about me every so often...which means he's thinking about me a lot. :) But yeah, he dreamt that it was finally time to make his mother's day phone call, so he dialed thinking it was his mom and then it was actually to me! So I go "Hello?" and he goes "Hi Mom!" and I'm like "Who is this??" and he goes "Wha...Ari? This is Elder Graham!" and he said that I was like OH MY GOSH!! And went off on my 'Ari Tangent' as he calls it hahaha. And I was like aww that's cute haha, and I told him I only have 'Ari Tangents' with him. And he said that's good, and I could hear him smiling. :)

This might be kind of random but a while ago he wrote me saying he was struggling one week and started to doubt a lot of things and one of them was me waiting for him. I was a little shocked because he never says that stuff so I wrote him back right away and I thought it was a pretty good letter, I wasn't mushy I just said things I felt I needed to say and it was spiritual enough to keep him focused. Now here's the embarrassingly corny part - with his letter I also mailed him this little red heart. I told him to keep it with him as a reminder that he is the only one who has my heart, and to never forget that. Hopefully it helps and during my phone call yesterday he said he takes it everywhere with him, lol.

Lately it seems like everyone in my family has been planning my wedding and throwing out ideas and it's making me so impatient!! Lol. Ahhhh...like Elder Graham said..."The best things come in time..;)"

The Long-Awaited Mother's Day Phone Call <3

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

HEARING HIS VOICE AGAIN WAS SO AMAZING!!! I can't even describe how happy I was when I finally got to talk to him. I was all nervous and shaking and he was almost an hour late! But it was all worth the wait. Everything felt so natural and easy and happy and I was laughing and smiling constantly. He told me some stupid Mexican jokes he learned out there, some dog-chasing stories, some funny stories being out in the field, talking to me about what I've been up to and our plans and stuff. And it was so cute cause we were talking and then there was a pause and he goes, "Hey Ari, can I ask you a question? Sorry, it's kind of a trunky one..." I was like "Yeah?" and he said.."After my mission...what do you think...of Spain?" It took me about half a second to figure out what he was referring to. I was like OMG! THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZING!! :D So I hope we get to go to Spain for our honeymoon, especially because then I could have my own personal translator that I love so much. Lol. And at the end he bore his testimony to me and shared a scripture and I almost started crying. I'm sooo happy that my phone records calls! I can't wait till Christmas when I get to hear his voice again. :) And this Christmas will be the last one I have to spend without him! Ever! YAYYY!!! <3

one of the MANY reasons why i love him so much :D

So I was reading some old emails because I was thinking about Josh and he sent this one right around my birthday. Why do I love him? One reason is he can cheer me up and make me laugh NO MATTER what mood I'm in. Hahahaha.

>lol she is the best isnt she? No problem for helping out im glad i was of some help! And yes i got the letters and CDs... lol! your sooo silly!!! But i loved it! :) so guess whose birthdays coming up??? :) :) :) :) I hope you got my package! I think youll like it... :) look for the penny when you get it too! :) sorry if its not what you wanted but yeah... and tell me how you like the pictures!!! :) I hope you have the best birthday ever and that you feel HIS love for you!!! Oh and I got a joke for you ari! Im pretty sure i used to send you a lot of dumb jokes before so heres one more! What did one gay horse say to the other? Haaayyyyyy!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!! I know you liked that one! :) well i would say it but yeah you know! :) I hope you can hear it especially on your birthday! :) Welll take care and write ya on monday again!
>
> Elder Graham

So I started cracking up the first time I read this email from him and I still crack up every time I read it!! How can I not be happy when he's so cute and loving and silly like that knowing it'd make me laugh my butt off??? Hahaha. Oh and just a sidenote, whenever we say "I hope you can hear it" it's referring to our spirits telling each other "I Love You" since we're trying to avoid actually saying it verbally/in written form. Lol it won't be hard at all falling in love with him over and over again when he comes home. :D

Stress and frustration and happiness

So I'm kinda torn right now cuz I am SOOOOO HAPPYYYYY that I got mail from Josh today. And it wasn't just one letter, it was three. Oh yeah :) and pennies and a memory stick. :) Can you believe it's been 6 months already??? I love him so freaking much I don't even know how to describe it. I just want to be corny and just sigh and smile to myself knowing how much he still loves me and wants "us" as he calls it to work out when he returns. :)

And then there's...this problem. I don't know what to do about it. It doesn't seem too threatening right now, but the littlest mistake can set me off down the wrong path. Ah frick man.

Can I just be invisible for the next year and a half? Pleeeeeease????

Officially OUT of the stinkin twenties!!

5 months down.
19 more to go.

At least I am out of the 20's. Pretty soon I'll be coming up on the year mark. Ha. Hopefully that day where I can say I have more time behind me than in front of me comes fast. I'll be at BYU-Hawaii by then. I'm soooo stoked. :) I just watched a video of this girl who went to the airport when her missionary came home and they were both crying and just kept hugging and it made me want to cry. Of course I was imagining myself in that video, haha. I'm pretty sure Josh is going to smile ridiculously, maybe tear up a bit. I know I'm just gonna choke him and probably cry and not wanna let go of him! But that day is kind of a long way off, so I shouldn't start day dreaming too much....lol. I love him so much. This is one of the hardest things I've EVER done, possibly THE hardest thing I've ever done. But knowing that when he comes back I'll never have to part with him ever again...it just makes it all worth it.

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention something else. So I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Windy just got a new boyfriend over spring break who happens to already have his mission call. Hahaha. Sound familiar? So I'm like SWEET! My new sis will be in the same situation as I am for about a year, because she decided to wait for him. He doesn't leave till October, and I'll be helping her through that. I mean I didn't really have anyone to help me out when Josh first left, so I at least want to give her an idea of what to expect. And then today I find out her cousin, Malia also is waiting for her missionary! He just left in December. So it's like a whole family affair already, haha. Kinda funny but cute. But it'll give us this time to get closer to each other, even though I haven't really met Malia in person yet. I can't wait though!

So Mother's day is coming up, and you know what that means!!! Missionaries get to call home!!! It's one out of the two times in the year they get to talk to their family. Windy said she'll do a 3-way so I can also talk to Josh. I am sooo freakin stoked to hear his voice again!! Gahhhh I absolutely love him...

Tomorrow is email day! 5 more days until I come home! I am seriously gonna spend my days outside. Beach, hiking, running, whatever. I am so sick of being indoors and watching tv and movies all the freakin time! Ugh. And I need to lose all this weight I gained. My goal is to lose like 15 pounds before Josh gets back. He deserves to come home to the girl he left back home, not a fat girl. Yuuuuuck. And I plan to get a lot better at surfing by then too. So there's some goals I can work on to pass the time. :)

"I'll only be gone for a short while. Wait for me. I love you.."

2 down, 2 more to go!

Yay! I am officially done with classes for this semester and next week I go home! So that's two semesters down, and two more to go before Josh comes home. :)

I've been having some really weird dreams lately, but it'll pass. BTW, this wasn't one of my weird dreams (in fact it was an amazing one) but I dreamt that I married Josh and it felt so real and when I woke up it didn't feel like it was that far off.. :)

I can't wait for my next letter & videos!! I <3 him sooooooo much..

Oh yeah, I like when I forget about this site cuz then the next time I look at the countdown I'm like gosh! I'm making so much progress! And I really am. :)

Summer is so close, I can TASTE it!

One more week of school and then finals and I am OUT OF HERE!!! I'm so excited! I was thinking about it today, and I really think this next year and a half is going to fly by. I mean I'll be working and surfing every single day this summer, and then I'm going to be starting school back home at BYU-H in July and then in the Fall, Josh's sister Windy and I are going to be room mates for the 09-10 school year! That'll be so much fun! And then after that is summer again (which aalllwayyyss goes by so fast) and Josh will be home already!! I am so stoked about life. :) And I can't believe I'm almost done with 1/4 waiting....I know I could not have gotten to this point without the love and support of friends and family. It hasn't been easy at all, and I know it won't get any easier, but I KNOW that I can do this. I just have to be open to the Lord and stay close to Him. :)

BTW, I found out what Josh was saying in my last video when he was integrating Spanish and Tongan...

"Tu eres mi fo'ilole" = You are my beautiful.

You can't even imagine how happy that makes me feel.

Surprise Video in the mail!!! :) i love him

I bought him that tie! Haha. Does anyone know tongan????

Finally under 600 days. :)

Look at that countdown! I am finally under the 600's! Haha. That's another milestone in my time of waiting. I'm cruiiiissiinnn. :)

Oh and Elder Graham made sure to remind me in my last letter that he makes 6 months his next transfer (in May). I didn't acknowledge it but I thought, "Hmm..guess I'm not the only one counting up!" Lol. I still won't talk about how much time has gone by or how much time is left though. I want to keep him focused.

Only 2 more weeks of school then finals then I'M HOMMEEEE!!!! :D Summer, i love you.

P.S. - I don't know why, but I just love this picture. Probably because I can hear and see exactly what he's doing with the dog even though I wasn't there. I just know him that well. He makes me smile and laugh without even trying. He makes me smile and laugh by just living. :) I love him...

Oh dang

I can't believe tomorrow marks 4 months already!!!! I'm so stoked aahhh!! Haha I know it's only 1/6th of my entire waiting period but you gotta admit, that is definitely an accomplishment! 4 months of success! I only have to do it 5 more times. Cheehee!

And...yeah...a lot can happen in one week, I'll just say that.

March = Choke Birthdays = FATTY Month

Yesterday - Happy 19th Birthday Christine!! Happy 19th Birthday Tarina!!

Today - Happy 19th Birthday Jill!!

Tomorrow - Happy 55th Birthday Daddy!! Happy 19th Birthday Rachel!!

Friday - Happy 19th Birthday to meeeee!! :)

Okay. I think that just about covers it. Gosh...all these birthdays means eating ice cream and cake over and over again. I reeeeallly need to start losing weight. I'll start working out more and trying to eat less and stuff AFTER my birthday. I need to look hot this summer! Ahh nah, who am I kidding? It's not like Josh will be surfing with me this summer. :( GAY! Last summer was so amazing surfing with him. Oh well, these will be my last 2 summers without him and then I'll never have to spend a day without him ever again :D

Yes! I'm almost out of the 600's (days)!! Freak, I barely even made a dent in the number of days I have left of waiting, hahaha. Whatevers. He'll be home soon enough, right? :) I have to stay positive or else I'll just be making this harder on myself.

Te amo...
Aloha wau ia 'oe...
Elder Joshua Graham.

Happy Early Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got to celebrate my birthday a week early this year. Since I went home for my grandfather's funeral, my family threw a little birthday dinner for me last night before I went to the airport to come back to Utah. My mommy made me a birthday cake and everything. I didn't get any amazing crazy expensive birthday presents from my parents this year and I didn't expect anything because honestly I was just happy to be home with my family, I really missed them and felt like I grew a lot closer to them over these past 5 days. But can I just say it feels like a sick joke that I fell asleep in beautiful, warm Hawaii last night and woke up to freezing, snowy UTAH?! (Only about a month and a half left... I can do it...I can survive...blehhh).

But I came back to college HAPPY!!!!!!!!! thanks to JOSH! Goodness...if it weren't for his package lying on my bed when I walked in the door I would've felt miserable. But for my birthday he sent me a letter, a motherload of my favorite candy (Twix & Dove Dark Chocolates), and his memory stick with CHOKE pictures and videos, including a special video he recorded of himself telling me happy birthday..and stuff. :) :) :) It made me so happy to hear his voice again and to see his smiling face. Although I think it's kinda funny he's so pale now :P hopefully he gets some tan back during the summers in Florida...oh yeah! I forgot to mention I got two very, very long birthday emails from him this morning (it's P-day).

Although I absolutely loved being home despite the slightly rainy and overcast weather, it kinda made it harder for me academicaly because now I'm totally in summer mode! At least I managed to go to my classes today...but I haven't studied yet. I gotta get on that. My dad told me right before we left for the airport that I have to finish this semester strong...I want to do it for myself, my parents, and for JOSH. I love him so much... :) His binder is getting too thick and heavy...I might need another one already! :P

Oh and one more thing..Happy 19th Birthday Christine!

I passed the 100 day mark! :)

I haven't blogged in forever! I think that's a good sign though, it shows I've been busy and focusing on other things rather than moping around missing Josh. I was so happy on Thursday! I got 3 envelopes in the mail from him! 2 letters and 1 pass along card with the temple on it with little notes written all over the back of it. He makes me so happy, I love him so much. Little things everyday remind me of how much I love him and how right this is. I can't help but smile. :)

Fast update: My grandfather passed away last week, so I'm about ready to go to the airport to fly home (YES!!) for his funeral. Although I am not happy he has passed away, it was definitely the best thing for him at this point because he was so depressed after my grandma passed away a year ago, and he's been in really bad health for a very long time too. It was his time, and at least he is happy with my grandma and at peace. I love him and he will be missed.

While I was unloading my little Hello Kitty suitcase to use for this trip last night, I found my old plane tickets from last October...when I flew home to see Josh for halloween weekend. I started crying because of course it brought back such amazing memories that I don't want to ever forget and I miss him...and also because...I guess when your missionary has been gone for a while you begin to wonder if it was even real..and just holding that plane ticket in my hands was reassurance to me that, yes, this is real: his love for me is real, my love for him is real, and the fact that we will be married for time and all eternity someday is real.

I Love Mondays (never thought I'd ever say that!)

Email from Josh. Excuse the spelling errors, he was rushing.

"Thanks for evrything!!!! Your the best friend ever!!!!! :) I wanted to share with something that I learnedd this morning after prayers!!! I was thinking about things and then i remembered the other side of heaven the movie and his wife did wait for him but she was his friend and not his girlfriend and he also waited for her!!! :) I promise that as we put the lord first he will make our pathways straight and will bless us!!!! "

Happy 3 Months!!!

Yesterday I officially hit my 3 month mark in waiting for Josh!! I've heard that the first three months are the hardest and the worst (and it's true!) so I'm definitely grateful and relieved it's over! I'm now 1/8th done with waiting! I'm so so thankful for everyone that helped me reach this point - especially Heavenly Father, Jaso, Phill, Josh's parents, and my Mom. Those are the people that have helped me most significantly and I have no idea how I'd have survived without them. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel like celebrating because I've done so well so far! I know I'm not perfect, but I'd consider these past three months successful and I only have 21 more to go. Yay me :) This will be over before I know it. :)

Oh and tambien, I officially decided that I'm going to try and learn Spanish over these next two years. Of course Josh was my inspiration (lol) but everyone keeps telling me to learn something new to make the time go by faster, and I have Spanish speaking friends here at BYU who can tutor me. So far it's been fun!

And due to popular demand, I'll tell you all what that last post means (in general terms):

"If we both keep putting the Lord FIRST, it'll prepare us for what WILL come after my mission (marriage)." :D :D :D

:) More email love today!

"yo se que si nosotros enfocamos en el senor solomente, despues mi mision nosotros vamos a listos para qual es despues!!! :) "

He told me that he'll tell me what it means one day, but I cheated and got my little Chilean friend to translate for me. Isn't he the absolute best??? :) :)

I <3 Getting Emails!!! :)

Oh my gosh! I'm so happy! Got more emails from Josh today. Aaaaand he thanked me for the stuff I sent him for Valentine's Day...aaannnd he said he's been THINKING A LOT about me... annnddd yay :) :)

He's the best thing to ever happen to me. Ever.

Te amo mi novio <3

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know everyone expects me to be depressed today that Josh is gone, but what made me wake up happy was I had a text from my mom, "Happy Valentine's Day". I realized that Valentine's day isn't ONLY for couples who are in love and all that romantic stuff. It's also a good today to remind you of everyone in your life that you've been blessed with and that you love. I love my mom, and I know she loves me. I thought it was so cute to get that text, it shows she's thinking of me and knows I must be missing Josh. Of course I miss him, but it's not like I'm going to lay in bed with a box of chocolates I bought myself as I stare at his pictures. Nah. I'm going to spend the day with people I care about. So, Happy Valentine's day everyone!

And yes, Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Josh. ily :)

Sledding.

Sean (Chung - NOT my ex boyfriend) and Larrin took us sledding at Rock Canyon Park today. It was so much fun, and that was my first time ever going sledding :) Although....I wish Josh could've been there...it would've made it a thousand times better. *Sigh* I miss him. I can't wait to play in the snow with him. It's just little moments like that I'm waiting for..it'll make these next two years allll worth it.

For pictures either go to my facebook or to my Xanga Blog. There's also a couple of videos - HILARIOUS!

Talk on Missionaries & Girlfriends

Missionaries and Girlfriends
Taken from a fireside by Vaughn Featherstone

Question: Is it good for a fellow to leave a girl behind?
Answer: Is it good for the sun to shine?

Have you ever heard of mission calls telling all missionaries to get rid of all girlfriends? Do you think that you could be a better missionary if she were there to help you? I think you could. Most of my best missionaries during the three years that I served left a girl behind. You notice that I said "girl" and not "girls." There isn't time for more than one.

Of course the first duty is to the Lord's work, which you have been called to do; second is to your family, and third is to the girlfriend. This you should always remember.

I always interviewed all missionaries as they entered the field and one of the questions I asked was, "Do you have a girlfriend at home?" If the answer was yes, I would say, "Can I have her name and address, and would it be all right if I wrote her a letter?" Of course this would scare the poor fellow to death--then I would bring the color back to his face by telling him I only wanted to write her a letter and tell her how lucky she was to have the opportunity to share this mission for the next 24 months with one of the Lord's chosen servants. If she is faithful, her testimony would become stronger in the gospel because of it... along with a little more advice that I will touch on later.

Young men, do not ask a returned missionary for advice on this subject. For if he has been "jilted," should we say, he's giving out poor advice. Pray about this together, and if you feel that you can do a better job, then go ahead. There's nothing wrong with it. It is better to have support than to go out there wishing that you had it. This is more frustrating than worrying about a "Dear John," and believe me, there won't be one of those right in the beginning. The Lord always answers prayers to those who honor Him.

Have an understanding with your parents so they can encourage her and make your girl happy by showing they have faith in her and love her. Let her parents know your plans, and in most cases they will stand by her when she gets lonely. If you show them respect, as well as the girl, they will be behind you all the way.

Write her once a week or more. You can almost always write two letters a week on P-Days. There is plenty of time if they're not books. Tell her about your mission and experiences, let her live your mission with you through your letters, and send her a snapshot once in a while. Yes, you could let her make a scrapbook for you. Mom is not going to have time and both of them would love that.

Remember that behind every successful man, there is a good woman. So why shouldn't it be good to leave a girlfriend behind if you feel that she is special? Forget that old story of "24 months is a long time." I have known girls to wait two or three years. Also forget the story that you will change a lot. You will only if you make yourself scarce in letters, etc. You will only change in the fact that you will be more mature and have a greater testimony and mind.

Now girls, make sure that you do things that will help you grow along with the missionary. Study the gospel; stay active in the church, pray often--morning, noon, and night. Watch out for those lonely returned jilted missionaries. You're not in a hurry to get married.

Write happy letters every week. Let him know that you still care. He will be looking for those letters if he is really busy during the week and on P-Days. Yes, you could send him a snapshot of yourself. He would love that. So what if you don't take good pictures--anything will look good to him. You will be busy getting the education you need, perhaps working in and out of the church, maybe learning to sew and all those lovely things, or learning to cook fancy things, but most of all, just learning the basics of life.

If the occasion arises, and you feel as if you want to accept a date now and then, it's okay, but again... Beware of those jilted returned missionaries. They are dynamite. Stay close to your parents.

Oh yes, there isn't any harm in leaving a girlfriend at home, if you're both determined to fulfill the mission together. It will not be the big job you think, but a happy 24 months in both of your lives. When you are both back together again, it won't be long before you are sure of each other because of your pure maturity. I can say these things because it happened to me, and I know of many others who have experienced the same great thing.

Mission President's Letter & Pics

FLORIDA TAMPA MISSION

13153 NORTH DALE MABRY HIGHWAY

SUITE 109

TAMPA FL 33618-2410

Phone 813-961-7400

Brother & Sister Thomas L. Graham

263 Mahimahi Place

Honolulu, Hl 96821

Dear Brother & Sister Graham,

Just a short note to inform you that Elder Graham arrived in Tampa safe and in good spirits. He met his new companion, we enjoyed a meal with the office missionaries and then we had a personal interview. The following morning an orientation meeting was held where he was given further training.

Elder Graham's companion is Elder Thompson. They will be serving in the Tampa area. It is wonderful to finally have Elder Graham with us in the Florida Tampa Mission. We have been anxiously waiting his arrival ever since we learned of his delay. As the oldest of your two children, you must be very proud to have him in the mission field. He seems ready and anxious to serve. I am also pleased to know that he knows ASL. Recently we have had several people join the church in the mission where ASL was their primary language.

Sister Colton and I are thrilled to have the opportunity to serve along side your missionary. May the Lord bless you and your family as your son serves in this portion of the Lord's vineyard.

Best Wishes,

Kent W. Colton

President Florida Tampa Mission

P.S. We are sending two pictures - one which shows the cast and the picture we would normally send.

Finally in the Mission Field.

Josh left for the mish field on Wednesday, February 4 at about 9:55 AM. I was an emotional wreck the day before when I told him goodbye, but like always, God blessed me with amazing friends and family who have been my support from the very beginning. How I would survive without any of them, I don't even know! Jaso has been supporting me. Phill talked to me on the phone when I was balling my eyes out. I wanted to call Jaso but I didn't want to bother her and wake her up with my stupid emo-ness. :/ It would've been 6 am Hawaii time. And then I got text messages and emails from Josh's mom that were so sweet and comforting. Gosh, she's the nicest kindest purest heartest little Asian lady I know, and I can't wait for her to be my mother-in-law! Haha.

I know I'm not supposed to be counting. But he's been out 80 days now. Honestly, it's still going by slowly but I feel relieved that he's finally gone from the MTC. No more pain with the knowledge that he's so close to me yet so far. I don't have to see him and wish I could say goodbye with more than just a handshake or a "missionary hug". When he was on the plane going to Florida, I thought...the next time he'll be on a plane is when he's coming home. :) I cried so much the day I said goodbye because he told me "I love you" for the first time in two months. So he's sacrificing a lot to put the Lord first in EVERYTHING that he does. He asked me to only write once a month because he said he's been thinking about me to much and letting me distract him. He said that I wasn't necessarily doing anything to distract him but just the fact that he loved me and stuff distracted him. Oh my gosh, which reminds me. He had a dream that I died! I can't believe I completely forgot that, I mean it was the reason for him making the decisions he did (like me only writing once a month). He woke up and he really thought it happened and was very depressed. And then he thought, if something did happen on his mission (HEAVEN FORBID!!), would he be able to handle it with just his relationship with the Lord? So, I guess he's trying to strengthen his relationship with God even more by focusing on Him more than on me. I commend him for all he's done, it just hurts sometimes. I miss him. :/

He amazes me more and more every single day. I told my mom, "I feel sooo lucky that Josh chose me."

Her answer: "You are. He's great. Be worthy of him."

That's my motivation for the next two years.

Countdown.

Hmm. I'm considering taking down the countdown clock. Or changing it to only weeks or something. It kinda freaks me out when I look at it everyday and it looks as if I'm making no progress. I was thinking about it when I was running today (that's a really good time to do a lot of deep thinking, when you're working out) and I was like "I only have to suffer through one more Christmas without him! I can TOTALLY do this!" I guess it was those endorphins that got to me. :) I was in a pretty optimistic mood.

I'm exhausted. Good night world. Good night Josh. I can't wait to fall asleep in your arms every night.

Ready.

I cried kind of a lot this weekend and I've been having a lot of ups and downs. Josh finally got his flight plans on Saturday. He leaves on Wednesday, February 4 at 9:55 AM and arrives in Florida at 4:10 PM (I don't know if that's the next day or what). Even though I keep crying, and even though the fact that I actually won't see his smile or hear his voice for 21 and a half months finally sank in, I'm ready.

I love you Josh. And I wish I could tell you that...

Lucky

This song is so fitting for my situation, it's kinda scary. But I love it and it makes me sad at the same time. Gahhh I miss him....

Lucky
by Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

My Epiphany.

So today I saw him at work, the usual. I mean some MG's may say I'm lucky that I even still get to see him a couple times a week...but at the same time it's hard you know? I mean..I don't know why it surprised me (because he's so amazing, I should've apprehended this) but he's just SO focused on being a missionary. It finally slapped me in the face this morning after I read the letter he handed me: I'm second best. God is his number one priority. I am no longer baby girl, I am no longer babaga, I am no longer ari his love. I'm just a friend - for now. And I realized that it's taken me two and a half months to finally accept this fact that I didn't want to be true. I just love him so much, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating because I can't express that I love him in the same ways that I'm used to. Telling him, calling him, text messaging him, hugging him, being held by him...no. I'm going to have to take this to a whole other level of "loving him". It's not the same. True, he's changed, but you know what? I truly believe it's for the better. By him putting the Lord first, he'll be greatly blessed on his mission and after. Now it's up to me to determine if we'll work out or not. Can I handle not getting so much love and affection anymore for two whole years? Will I be able to conciously and proactively put the Lord first in everything I do? The great news is that it's possible, I can do it. I can't afford to underestimate the difficulty of doing that, or the importance of me putting the Lord first. If I don't do that, how am I ever going to survive these next two years? I believe that Heavenly Father wanted Josh to stay at the MTC longer not only for his sake and for those he associates himself with at the MTC (he mentioned he's helped a lot of guys out in there), but also for my sake. If Josh left on January 20th, which is when he was supposed to leave, I totally would NOT have been ready. It took me until this morning to realize my role in this whole ordeal! I cannot be the same Ari that I've been for him before his mission. I can possess the same love I've had for him from the start (which grows more and more with each passing day, as crazy as that sounds)...but I must show it differently. I have to learn to deal with not being able to say it, or to be able to hear it from him. Before he left he said, "I love you Ari...I really do...never forget that." At the time I felt so sure that I could heed his advice. But it's easier said than done! I think that if I focus harder on developing and strengthening my relationship with Christ, the waiting process will just come easier along with it. I love Joshua Kamalama Graham. And you know what else? I love my Savior, Jesus Christ even more. And I know he loves me too. Both of them. :) And now...I can honestly say..I finally feel at peace.

Josh, I'm ready. Go out into the field and serve!

Give 'em Heaven, Elder! Make us (including God) proud. <3

Just another one of those days...

I found all the old messages between me and Josh on facebook yesterday. As I read through them (about 10 pages long printed) I wanted to cry...I miss him like crazy. Being in Utah just makes it worse because it's really hard for me to be happy here. And once he leaves the MTC it'll be two and a half months of hell before I can be happy and warm at home again.

I love him.
:) ..... :(

Pictures!! Finally. :)

Brother Graham (Josh's dad) finally sent me some pictures from his farewell and the Utah trip! :) Oh and thanks to Windy too for taking such awesome pics. :)



Officially tagged :)


November 19, 2008
Tom, Claudia, Windy, and Josh Graham


Obviously sick of smiling for pics! Lol. That's ok, it's worth it with all the pics we got.



Hahaha, Josh is obviously laughing in this pic with the old man. I gotta find out who that is...lol.
Farewell - October 12, 2008

Eating at Fuddruckers...i love my goofball :)

Walking to the MTC

November 19, 2008

This picture is soooo cool! It looks like a magazine pic! And of course, he's talking to ME on the phone ;) (Outside the Travelodge)

Saying goodbye to George & his bros the night he left..aww so cute

November 14, 2008

Ben Beck (reppin' the all bus up shirt...*shakes head*), Josh and Alohi Fanara at the Honolulu Airport

November 14, 2008

Farewell - October 12, 2008 Honolulu, HI Mission Pres.

Hugging Robin (soon to be Sister Beck that day!) November 19, 2008

The Grahams in front of the Provo Temple

November 19, 2008

Us kids outside Tucano's after Sis. Graham's 50th bday dinner

Elder Joshua Graham and Elder Robert Beck!

best friends/surfer buddies cheehee!!

Farewell at Kahala Chapel - October 12, 2008

I know it's in such a random order but that's why I put the dates.

Gosh I love him so much :)

Golden Grahams.

I had another dream about Josh last night but I can't remember what happened. But I know it took place back home in Hawaii.





There are times where I can be surrounded by a crowd of people, busily doing something or having fun and I'd just stop and think about how much better it'd be with him there... :/ ... someday..





I love Joshua Graham and I'm going to marry him one day. I love him and that doesn't even begin to cover it.





:)

P.S. - About the picture to the left. Hahaha. Props to Jaso for sending me this on my phone and saying "When you and Josh have kids and come back from surfing all the time I'm gonna call you guys this." xP

Another MTC Extension!

So Josh is probably going to be held back in the MTC until February 3rd. I feel so bad for him because he's so sick of it there. Especially with the broken wrist and everything (which is why he's being held back longer) he's sort of struggling emotionally. But I've been writing him continually and I hope he feels a little better with my letters. I had a kinda unique experience yesterday, because after speaking with him at work and finding out about his second extension I was thinking a lot about how I could help him, and then I decided it would be good to let his family know. Turns out his mom prayed that morning that Heavenly Father would let her know how her son is doing. His family really has no clue because his emails are literally "The gospel is true I love you Elder Graham" and they haven't received a real, detailed letter from him since like Christmas I think. So when I was prompted to send Mama Graham a text message her response was very touching and grateful. She said that I was able to take part in Heavenly Father's answer to her prayers. :) I was like, wow! That is special. And then his dad sent me a message on Facebook thanking me for being the answer to their prayers and I was like YAY! :) He also sent me a link to their family's website where I could view all of the pictures from Elder Graham's farewell to his reporting to the MTC. He looks so handsome in all of the pictures, even the goofy ones. Ahhhh I love him I wanted to cry while looking at the pictures. :/

I just found out last night that my cousin, Taite Koko'o, went home! The morning his district was scheduled to go out to Suva, Fiji he went home instead! I could tell he wasn't really ready to serve...every time I talked to him in the MTC (which is where I work) he didn't seem too excited about the work. But he loved the guys he met and the friendships he made. Josh basically sat him down and said "If you're really feeling like you're not ready to serve a mission, get out NOW before you get out into the field." So, he did. That was good of Josh to tell him that because it would've been worse for Taite to serve grudgingly or to leave after he got to Fiji. I'll need to pray for them both.

I spent $55 in ties for Josh at Mr. Mac today...he said he needed them! I got this funny looking rainbow tie that I'm calling The Prop 8 Tie ahahah. It's just as a joke, but knowing Josh he'll wear it around...Lol. xP

A silly little thing today that made me smile was when I was with my room mate, Jennie, in Mr. Mac. I was like, would you buy this tie for him? And she was like, "Don't look at me! He's not my future husband!"

:) :) :)

So much is happening all at once...

I can hardly keep up!

I finally decided on my major today. Exercise Sciences: Fitness and Wellness emphasis. I'm probably transferring to BYU-H as of Fall 2009. Josh leaves on Tuesday 1/27 (YIKES!). I'm happy but sad. Blehhh now I REALLY am sending him off. I got work tomorrow so I'm gonna write a letter to give to him for free while I still can. Paying for postage is gonna be so gay.

Dude I'm so behind in school. I got too much to think about. I often find myself scatter-brained and trying to do 10 things at once. I start doing something, then remember something else and start doing that. Then I remember something else and start doing that too. And then I end up going on Facebook. I HATE FACEBOOK!!!!!!

Anyways, I love Elder Joshua Kamalama Graham forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and that's never going to change.

Official Mission Website

If anyone needs any information on Elder Graham (his address to write him, etc.) go to this website:

http://www.missionsite.net/ElderGraham

Another Dream

So last night I went to my brother's house for dinner and then we watched the movie Alien. So that's probably the reason why I had this strange dream last night...

I was with other people trapped in this deserted stadium. We were all running away from this ugly alien thing that was trying to kill/eat us. I finally got out of the stadium and guess who was standing there waiting for me? Josh. :) And I ran to him and hugged him and started crying so hard because I was so scared and happy. After we wrapped our arms around each other we did not want to let go, so he scooped me up and carried me home since I was pretty much a wreck. :P When I woke up, I realized...it's been so long since I've felt his embrace. Our arms fit perfectly around each other. Our heights are perfect - I'm only about 2 or 3 inches away from him, so he doesn't have to lean down too far to kiss me. Our hands intertwine perfectly together and fit in just the right way. Our first kiss was perfect - not too timid but not too passionate. Just a gentle peck on the lips that wasn't too long or too short. Gahhhhhhhh I know I'm not supposed to be missing him this way. It's that stupid dream that sparked all these emotions. I'm gonna go eat cinnamon rolls or chocolate or something. -_-

w00t! and Future Plans

Heeeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkkkkkk yyyyyyeeaaaaaaahhhhhh I am officially done with 2 Months of waiting!!! I just hit my 60 day mark yesterday. Now I just gotta do that 12 more times and I'll be all pau.

So when I woke up this morning of course I immediately started thinking of Josh. As I was lying in bed I was thinking about school because Elder Graham would return smack in the middle of Fall 2010 semester (unless he gets an extension). That would be GAY if I'm in Utah while all that is happening and I definitely want to be there for his homecoming talk! So, I was thinking about certain ways where I could work it out well that I'd be home for him when he returns. I don't think I want to be in school here and then buy a plane ticket to come home. I'd rather just be home already and STAY home when he returns. And besides that, not only is he returning but so is Josh's best friend and fellow surf buddy Elder Robert Beck! And then Elder Taite Koko'o, who is another surf buddy in the crew and also my COUSIN. So the plan is that I'm going to try and graduate early. I'll finish up my freshman year here, go home and take classes at either UH or online. Then I'll do Fall 09/Winter 10 at BYU-Provo. Then go home and take more classes at UH or online. If I don't have enough credits to graduate by then, I'll just hold off until Josh does his 1 semester and transfers here to BYU-Provo for Winter 2011. If I don't graduate by then I at least want to be a Senior.

I was thinking about it last night and talking with Jill (MG with missionary who left same day as mine) and I am SOOOO excited for the boys to come home! I mean I don't want them to come home right now, because they should make the best of their missions each and every day of these 2 years. But when they come back and our surf crew is reunited again it's gonna be FREAKING AWESOME!!! So much fun. Lol. But I don't know if Ben will be here for when they return...he's 2 years younger than all of them so he might leave for his mission right before they return...unless he waits a while before submitting his papers. Josh was 20 years and 3 days old when he reported to the MTC. Lol. So technically, he could be halfway done with his mission right now if he left right at 19!! Doodoo boy. Haha jk. If he left right at 19 I wouldn't have met him... :( So things really do happen for a reason, I strongly believe that. :)

I am 1/12th done with waiting ahahahha. YES!

I know I shouldn't be thinking about the wedding so much...because GOD FORBID if anything bad happens and it doesn't work out then yeah...no that's not gonna happen. It's gonna work out. If things are meant to be, they just work out. And this was meant to be. IS meant to be. :) So...yeah I was thinking about the wedding. Everyone that knows me knows that I always pick pink and black stuff and everything I have is pretty much pink and black. But I don't know if it would be good to have black as a wedding color...maybe it's bad luck? And I think it would be awesome to get a Reggae band to play live at our reception haha that'd be so much fun and Josh and the crew would LOVE that! Preferably Tribal Seeds, if I had a million dollars. Unfortunately, I don't. At least not now. Hahaha.

So Cute :)

I forgot to mention some cute things Elder Graham said to me at work this morning. He told me, "You're not allowed to Dear John me...you're only allowed to Dear Elder me!!" I laughed and promised that I'd only Dear Elder him. And then after he ate he came back to say goodbye and also said, "You know the guys over there don't believe that you're my novia? They said 'Get outta here! Don't you know how hot she is?? She's not your novia!'" I just laughed again and said those missionaries were CRAZY. :P

I love him so much. Sigh. (:

Still Happy :)

So there's lots of things to blog about! Ummm. I love Joshua Graham?! Haha. Sorry, I just feel like saying that a lot tonight. He's just so...amazing. Gosh. I got slightly worried today, because I went to my first class and this new guy came in who was attractive (wasn't checking him out - I can tell who's ugly and who isn't!) and hes at down by me and was kinda flirty. I wondered, what would happen if he asked me out on a date?! PLEASE DON'T! But he didn't, and I survived. Whew. I definitely know I would never go out with another guy because, seriously, what's the point? Sorry. I honestly could never see myself with some other guy. My heart has Joshua Graham written alllllll over it. :D

I'm happy to have made a new MG friend whose missionary left the same day as mine! Yayyy!! You know who you are, I'm happy!! Yeaaahhh now we have the same countdown ahahaha. Soooo awesome. I'm so grateful for all this support I have in waiting for Josh. Really, I am.

I have two dreams from this past month that I don't want to forget. Actually, I'll blog about 3, one being from November.

Dream #1:
Taken from a letter I wrote him:
I dreamt that I was searching for you at the MTC in Hawaii (that’s weird, because you and I both know there is none). When I found you, you were smiling, but I had tears streaming down my face. I was literally balling my eyes out and said something like, “Don’t leave me…” And then you said, “Arianna, look at me.” So I looked up and all I remember seeing in my dream was your warm, beautiful eyes (they ARE heart-melting…) Then you said, “I’ll only be gone for a short while. Wait for me. I love you.” And then I woke up, and the very first thought that popped into my head was: To some it is given to learn patience. Exactly like that, word for word. I was like, whoa, was that revelation? So I turned on my computer and immediately emailed my mom. I wanted her insight and opinion because she’s always right about spiritual related stuff. I told her that this experience was testimony to me that what I’m doing is right. And the way that this revelation was given sounded like scripture. In D&C 46:9-32 it talks about gifts of the spirit, like the gift of tongues, discerning spirits, etc. It’s really good, you should read it. So I told my mom that I believed it was revelation, because the state we are in when we first wake up is when our minds are the clearest, and we can hear even the tiniest, softest voice. She replied half an hour later and said that she agreed. She usually gets her best revelation early in the morning right when she’s waking up. Sometimes she’s still half asleep. A couple of weeks ago it was the decision not to send my little brother, Jeremy, to Austria with the school orchestra. It was the defining day because he was going to attend a fundraiser for the trip. He was extremely disappointed, but she told him it was revelation. If there is something weighing on her mind, she prays about it before she goes to sleep and then she ponders and goes with whatever the feeling is in the morning. When she doesn’t listen to the directions of the Spirit, bad things happen and she really regrets it.

Dream #2: We were walking along the beach as the sun was setting...and I don't remember exactly how everything happened...but suddenly he got down on one knee, and with a huge smile on his face (COMPELTELY HEART-MELTING!!!!) he asked, "Arianna, will you marry me?" I started crying and smiling and squealed, "YES!!" And hugged and kissed him.

Dream #3: This one isn't as juicy or anything. But it meant a lot to me! We were sitting in class at BYU and I looked at him and there was a silver wedding band on his finger. I had white gold. This made me really happy because how can it not mean something that I dream of something so specific as that? The fact that his wedding band was silver would make sense because I don't like gold. I know, it's weird, I'm a girl and I don't like gold and I prefer silver or at least white gold jewelry. I'm pretty sure that dream will come true one day. :)

One other thing - on Josh's very last day, the day he reported to the MTC, we went to the Provo temple together and sat on a bench and read scriptures and talked. Of course his mother was there too, because he was already set apart as a missionary. But she was very considerate and sat on a bench kinda far away, but where she could still see us. Everything just felt so right, being there with him. It felt familiar, like I knew that one day I'd be attending temple sessions regularly with him and :) get sealed in the temple to him :). We then walked around the back, very casually and comfortably. I desperately wanted time to slow down while I was still with him. And then I looked up at him and he was smiling uncontrollably. I was like, "What?! Do I have something on my face?" "Haha, no. I just thought of something...but it's too sacred to share right now. I'll tell you when the time is right. After my mission." So I really hope he never forgets what he wanted to tell me! I definitely won't forget! Even after two years!! We then walked back around to the front of the temple, and he said (with a smile of course), "Ari...you're glowing." That made me smile uncontrollably (which is the norm for every single second I'm with him! Seriously, I have a piano face whenever I'm with him. It's embarrassing - but amazing at the same time).

It's so hard to know what it's like to have the absolute best thing in the entire world, and then going without it for two whole years. But you know what keeps us MG's going? The fact that we love our missionaries, and that they love us too, and that in the end - all the pain and all the waiting will be well worth it. Because our boys - our soldiers of God - are worth it.