Surviving is much different from Living.

I've been trying to avoid this feeling. This overwhelming and despairingly horrible feeling. I thought that once I passed that one year mark I'd be so happy to know that I have more time behind me than before me. Why do I not feel any weight being lifted off my shoulders? It's so weird I can hardly explain it.

I can't pinpoint exactly when I knew that he was the one for me. But I know for a fact that there has never been a moment of question, never a moment of doubt about that subject. Many people (including my own mother) misunderstand me and my situation. That's alright, not many people have had first-hand experience with my situation (outside of Provo, that is) so it's impossible to understand and even try to empathize with.

I've survived one year without the other half of my heart. One year without the existence that completes me. One year without my best friend. I only have one more to survive without him. I know I should be grateful for this time apart, it teaches me many things. I've learned to depend more upon myself for things like financial security, school, happiness, etc. It has made me appreciate the luxury of physically being in the presence of the one to whom I willingly give my whole heart to.

I wish I could accurately express my feelings without sounding whiney. But I guess that's not entirely possible.

How many people know what it's like to constantly have dreams almost every night about the most important person in the world finally being reunited with them again, only to wake up and realize it was just a dream? How many people know what it's like to get that empty feeling in their gut whenever they see an empty mailbox or the lack of bold lettering of a new message in their email inbox? How many people know what it's like to see other couples cuddling, smiling, laughing, kissing, eating together -- seeing only each other and no one else -- and know that they won't be able to do that again for a long long time?

I could go on and on. My point is, this is what I go through. If it weren't for true love -- if it weren't for the knowledge of our perfect co-existence -- I wouldn't think for a second to put myself through this. Like I said, it's not easy to understand. But I willingly do this. I wait. Humans are naturally impatient. Multiply the impatience of a typical human by a hundred and that's me. But I am living against the grain for one of the very few things I'd do it for -- true love.

I don't just want to survive this next and last year, I want to live.