Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Fast Updates.
So ummm basically I was WRONG and I was letting Satan get to me, lol. Elder Graham still loves me and wants to marry me. And my talk with him this morning at work was long (oops...) but REALLY great! He explained to me why he chose to not say "i love you" anymore and to put me aside for the moment. I feel dumb for thinking he stopped loving me - that was kinda selfish. :/ But I'll go into detail and stuffs later. Life has been stressful but I'm getting through it. I wrote him am really great letter and have had a pretty good day today! I LOVE JOSHUA GRAHAM! :D
Saturday, January 10, 2009
What Goes Up, Must Come Down
So last night I hit a really high point. For the past couple of days I've been pretty happy and content. I started working out and going swimming so that's been keeping me happy and keeping my mind off of him. Before I went to bed last night I was reading through the binder of his letters and pictures and I just got so happy and knew I would be able to make it. I love Josh. I truly, honestly, sincerely, deeply love him. I honestly could never imagine myself marrying someone other than him. I went to sleep with such confidence and happiness that I had pretty good dreams (I dream of him almost every single night). And then...I felt like I was kinda brought down from my high point today...
I kinda woke up late for work, but I made it on time. Since I work at the MTC, I see Josh and we talk every time I work. It is a blessing because I get to hear his voice and see his smiles and what not. But the last two times I worked...our talks have been getting kinda shorter. And last time he asked me not to write or say "I love you" anymore. Which is understandable because he is really committing himself to the Lord and trying to focus as hard as he can on his mission. I commend him for that. I won't deny that it kinda hurt when he said "I need you to be more of a friend..." I wanted to say, "What?! A FRIEND?? I'm your future wife!" But that was my natural man (or woman) in me..I know it's Christ's will that he focus on his mission right now and not the silly girl waiting for him. But I'm SO scared that he'll stop loving me. In one of his first several letters he sent me, it was just a mushy letter saying how much he loves me, how he has a testimony of me, how much he's grateful for everything I've been doing for him and so forth. And he promised that that would be the last time he'd be all mushy with me till after his mission. But still. It's just hard for me to deal with it face to face..to realize I'm not his number one priority anymore. I'm so glad that he's getting serious and really cares about his mission, but I'm a little slower at adjusting to this new life. Is this really how it's going to be for the next two years? Am I going to be treated as "just a friend", just like everyone else? I'm scared. I've never loved someone so deeply before where I was willing to wait two years (even longer!) to be with him again. I've never wanted to hold onto someone so badly in my life. I've never wanted to spend the rest of my life (and all eternity) with someone as I do with him. I'm literally doing everything and anything for him. I know I can wait the full two years. But the question is, will he still love me the same? Will he love me less? Will he love me more? I've done what he asked. I don't say "i love you" anymore or talk about marriage. I don't even sign "love always" anymore because even that distracts him, apparently. I know that nothing is for sure and there's no hard evidence that he will or has stopped loving me. I'm just thinking too much I guess.
He said he has a testimony of me. And has written I love you in almost every letter up until now. That should be good enough for me, right?? Sigh. If only I weren't a dumb girl who constantly needed reassurance that she was loved by the one she loves the most. (Besides God, that is.) Heavenly Father, HELP ME! :(
I kinda woke up late for work, but I made it on time. Since I work at the MTC, I see Josh and we talk every time I work. It is a blessing because I get to hear his voice and see his smiles and what not. But the last two times I worked...our talks have been getting kinda shorter. And last time he asked me not to write or say "I love you" anymore. Which is understandable because he is really committing himself to the Lord and trying to focus as hard as he can on his mission. I commend him for that. I won't deny that it kinda hurt when he said "I need you to be more of a friend..." I wanted to say, "What?! A FRIEND?? I'm your future wife!" But that was my natural man (or woman) in me..I know it's Christ's will that he focus on his mission right now and not the silly girl waiting for him. But I'm SO scared that he'll stop loving me. In one of his first several letters he sent me, it was just a mushy letter saying how much he loves me, how he has a testimony of me, how much he's grateful for everything I've been doing for him and so forth. And he promised that that would be the last time he'd be all mushy with me till after his mission. But still. It's just hard for me to deal with it face to face..to realize I'm not his number one priority anymore. I'm so glad that he's getting serious and really cares about his mission, but I'm a little slower at adjusting to this new life. Is this really how it's going to be for the next two years? Am I going to be treated as "just a friend", just like everyone else? I'm scared. I've never loved someone so deeply before where I was willing to wait two years (even longer!) to be with him again. I've never wanted to hold onto someone so badly in my life. I've never wanted to spend the rest of my life (and all eternity) with someone as I do with him. I'm literally doing everything and anything for him. I know I can wait the full two years. But the question is, will he still love me the same? Will he love me less? Will he love me more? I've done what he asked. I don't say "i love you" anymore or talk about marriage. I don't even sign "love always" anymore because even that distracts him, apparently. I know that nothing is for sure and there's no hard evidence that he will or has stopped loving me. I'm just thinking too much I guess.
He said he has a testimony of me. And has written I love you in almost every letter up until now. That should be good enough for me, right?? Sigh. If only I weren't a dumb girl who constantly needed reassurance that she was loved by the one she loves the most. (Besides God, that is.) Heavenly Father, HELP ME! :(
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
My story. Shortened version.
This is my story (sorry it's so long! I promise it's interesting..lol)
My name is Arianna Nawaiaulianahenahe McMillan. I was born and raised in Hawaii and graduated from the Kamehameha Schools, class of 2008. I'm currently a Freshman at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. My missionary's name is Joshua Kamalama Graham and we didn't meet until May of my Senior year in high school. He graduated from Kaiser High School (in Hawaii) in 2007, but was born in November 1988. So he's a year and a half older than I am. The first time I saw him was at my Seminary Graduation, he had gone to support some friends. I asked my friend, "Oh my gosh!! Who is that guy?? He's SO hot!" She told me who he was, and said "If you have a chance with that guy, GO out with him! He's awesome." At the time I had a boyfriend who I was crazy about, so after that night I never really thought anything of it. After graduation, summer began, and I started surfing with my friend, Ben. The first day I picked up Ben and my other friends to go surf was June 2 (yes! I remember the exact date!), and guess who got in the car too? JOSH! That was the first day we officially met. From then on, we had a little surf crew where I was the only girl in a group of silly, kooky guys. I had so much fun this summer surfing with them! They were like my brothers. Little did I know, he liked me that entire summer and I had absolutely no idea. I thought he could care less about me besides the fact that I was a surf buddy. The reason he didn't show it or say anything was because his friend Ben also liked me, and he didn't wanna get in the way (isn't that so sweet of him?). Josh and I became pretty good friends, but nothing more. Summer sadly came to an end, and I had to say goodbye to my surf crew. We had our last surf session on the North Shore on August 15, 2008. I was always the one driving the boys around in my dad's truck, so they caught the bus down there and I drove out there to meet them around noon. We ate lunch at Ted's Bakery (if you ever visit Oahu you should eat there! it's so good!) and then we all got into my truck and drove to the surf spot. The surf was kinda really small that day, so after a while Josh got bored and just went up to sit on the sand and watch the sunset. I was kinda bored in the water too, so I decided to sit on the sand. I saw him sitting alone, and contemplated sitting by him...I'd never spoken to him alone, one on one before! There were always the other guys with us whenever we talked. At that moment I decided, "Oh what the heck. I'm leaving for college in two days, so I might as well take a chance, right?" I did, and we had a fun time talking until the other boys finally came in from the water. I also collected sand in a bottle to take up with me to Utah while I was away from home. I hugged all of them goodbye, and was sad to leave. After I got to Utah, he and I started texting a lot more than usual! This is around the same time that my current boyfriend broke up with me because he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship or hold me back from dating other guys. I was devastated, but Josh was there cheering me up with his text messages. Once we started talking more and more, I also got to see his spiritual side. He got his mission call mid-August to the Florida Tampa - Spanish speaking mission. I was so amazed at his wonderful spirit and his testimony! I started falling fast. Eventually it became evident from our texts and calls that we liked each other, and we finally admitted to our feelings. After a few flirty text messages, I told him I liked him, and his reply was "I have wanted to say this for sooo long!!! I like you Arianna!! :D." We became official on September 8, 2008. At first our families were NOT happy at all, because he'd just received his mission call! But we always made the Lord a priority in our relationship and we were very grounded in the gospel. Obviously, God blessed us for our efforts because after our families met us they loved us and were very supportive! When we started going out, he was back home in Hawaii and I was up here in Utah, so there was a 4 hour time difference (HI is behind). Still, we'd talk on the phone for 4-5 hours each day and he'd give me wake up calls every morning. I loved hearing his voice first thing every morning!! It was my first long distance relationship, and it worked out sooo well! I credit that to making sure we always included Heavenly Father in our relationship and always trusted in Him. I really wanted to be with him before he was set apart as a missionary, so on October 30 I flew home and got to spend the weekend with him. That's when we had our first kiss, and we also visited the Laie Hawaii Temple together. That weekend was absolutely amazing and everything felt so perfect and so right with him!!! I came home that Sunday, and knew I would see him two weeks later when he flew up to report to the MTC. He arrived 5 days before he had to report, and his family came up too. They let me spend everyday with them, I was so happy and grateful for their kindness and understanding!! I went with them shopping with the Missionary Mall for things he needed and we went to many dinners. Finally, he reported to the MTC on November 19, 2008. He was originally scheduled to depart for Florida on January 20, 2009, but he broke his wrist over Christmas break and needs to stay a week longer. He's scheduled to leave the MTC on January 27, 2009 and I am so excited for him! This whole experience with writing to him and waiting for him is teaching me so much, and enabling me to strengthen my testimony and I'm loving it! I love him with every fiber of my being - body, mind, spirit - everything!! I would wait longer than two years for him beause not only do we love each other, we have a testimony of each other. That we were meant to be, that everything will work out, that our love for each other is true. I know that everything I will go through and suffer while he's gone will only teach me how to love him and to love the Lord as I never have before. Everything will be worth it in the end, and these 2 years without him will be so short compared to the eternity we'll have together after it's all over.
My name is Arianna Nawaiaulianahenahe McMillan. I was born and raised in Hawaii and graduated from the Kamehameha Schools, class of 2008. I'm currently a Freshman at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. My missionary's name is Joshua Kamalama Graham and we didn't meet until May of my Senior year in high school. He graduated from Kaiser High School (in Hawaii) in 2007, but was born in November 1988. So he's a year and a half older than I am. The first time I saw him was at my Seminary Graduation, he had gone to support some friends. I asked my friend, "Oh my gosh!! Who is that guy?? He's SO hot!" She told me who he was, and said "If you have a chance with that guy, GO out with him! He's awesome." At the time I had a boyfriend who I was crazy about, so after that night I never really thought anything of it. After graduation, summer began, and I started surfing with my friend, Ben. The first day I picked up Ben and my other friends to go surf was June 2 (yes! I remember the exact date!), and guess who got in the car too? JOSH! That was the first day we officially met. From then on, we had a little surf crew where I was the only girl in a group of silly, kooky guys. I had so much fun this summer surfing with them! They were like my brothers. Little did I know, he liked me that entire summer and I had absolutely no idea. I thought he could care less about me besides the fact that I was a surf buddy. The reason he didn't show it or say anything was because his friend Ben also liked me, and he didn't wanna get in the way (isn't that so sweet of him?). Josh and I became pretty good friends, but nothing more. Summer sadly came to an end, and I had to say goodbye to my surf crew. We had our last surf session on the North Shore on August 15, 2008. I was always the one driving the boys around in my dad's truck, so they caught the bus down there and I drove out there to meet them around noon. We ate lunch at Ted's Bakery (if you ever visit Oahu you should eat there! it's so good!) and then we all got into my truck and drove to the surf spot. The surf was kinda really small that day, so after a while Josh got bored and just went up to sit on the sand and watch the sunset. I was kinda bored in the water too, so I decided to sit on the sand. I saw him sitting alone, and contemplated sitting by him...I'd never spoken to him alone, one on one before! There were always the other guys with us whenever we talked. At that moment I decided, "Oh what the heck. I'm leaving for college in two days, so I might as well take a chance, right?" I did, and we had a fun time talking until the other boys finally came in from the water. I also collected sand in a bottle to take up with me to Utah while I was away from home. I hugged all of them goodbye, and was sad to leave. After I got to Utah, he and I started texting a lot more than usual! This is around the same time that my current boyfriend broke up with me because he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship or hold me back from dating other guys. I was devastated, but Josh was there cheering me up with his text messages. Once we started talking more and more, I also got to see his spiritual side. He got his mission call mid-August to the Florida Tampa - Spanish speaking mission. I was so amazed at his wonderful spirit and his testimony! I started falling fast. Eventually it became evident from our texts and calls that we liked each other, and we finally admitted to our feelings. After a few flirty text messages, I told him I liked him, and his reply was "I have wanted to say this for sooo long!!! I like you Arianna!! :D." We became official on September 8, 2008. At first our families were NOT happy at all, because he'd just received his mission call! But we always made the Lord a priority in our relationship and we were very grounded in the gospel. Obviously, God blessed us for our efforts because after our families met us they loved us and were very supportive! When we started going out, he was back home in Hawaii and I was up here in Utah, so there was a 4 hour time difference (HI is behind). Still, we'd talk on the phone for 4-5 hours each day and he'd give me wake up calls every morning. I loved hearing his voice first thing every morning!! It was my first long distance relationship, and it worked out sooo well! I credit that to making sure we always included Heavenly Father in our relationship and always trusted in Him. I really wanted to be with him before he was set apart as a missionary, so on October 30 I flew home and got to spend the weekend with him. That's when we had our first kiss, and we also visited the Laie Hawaii Temple together. That weekend was absolutely amazing and everything felt so perfect and so right with him!!! I came home that Sunday, and knew I would see him two weeks later when he flew up to report to the MTC. He arrived 5 days before he had to report, and his family came up too. They let me spend everyday with them, I was so happy and grateful for their kindness and understanding!! I went with them shopping with the Missionary Mall for things he needed and we went to many dinners. Finally, he reported to the MTC on November 19, 2008. He was originally scheduled to depart for Florida on January 20, 2009, but he broke his wrist over Christmas break and needs to stay a week longer. He's scheduled to leave the MTC on January 27, 2009 and I am so excited for him! This whole experience with writing to him and waiting for him is teaching me so much, and enabling me to strengthen my testimony and I'm loving it! I love him with every fiber of my being - body, mind, spirit - everything!! I would wait longer than two years for him beause not only do we love each other, we have a testimony of each other. That we were meant to be, that everything will work out, that our love for each other is true. I know that everything I will go through and suffer while he's gone will only teach me how to love him and to love the Lord as I never have before. Everything will be worth it in the end, and these 2 years without him will be so short compared to the eternity we'll have together after it's all over.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I am a genius!
Actually, I'm not. All the MG's I have met and spoken with are geniuses. They truly are amazing, and they inspired me to make this blog. I believe it will help me out so much with my long and treacherous journey of waiting for my missionary. Some may call this obsessive, but I prefer to call it passionate. When you choose to wait for a missionary, you can't go into this half heartedly, hesitantly or doubtfully. You just CAN'T. You can't afford it. You need to dive in head first, with full intent to survive - to accept all that is to come and to live with it. Like many MG's before me have said, I know that successfully waiting the full 2 years doesn't necessarily and automatically mean that I WILL marry my missionary one day, but that is my motivation. True love is my anchor. At the very least, one who waits will gain a stronger testimony of the love of God and how to rely on Him in every way. They will grow into this amazing person they never thought they could be. They learn more things than they can handle, but in the end they come out stronger than who they were from the day of their missionary's departure. I KNOW this will be worth it. I KNOW I truly love Joshua Graham with all my heart. Lastly, I KNOW that I can do this. :)
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