So last night I hit a really high point. For the past couple of days I've been pretty happy and content. I started working out and going swimming so that's been keeping me happy and keeping my mind off of him. Before I went to bed last night I was reading through the binder of his letters and pictures and I just got so happy and knew I would be able to make it. I love Josh. I truly, honestly, sincerely, deeply love him. I honestly could never imagine myself marrying someone other than him. I went to sleep with such confidence and happiness that I had pretty good dreams (I dream of him almost every single night). And then...I felt like I was kinda brought down from my high point today...
I kinda woke up late for work, but I made it on time. Since I work at the MTC, I see Josh and we talk every time I work. It is a blessing because I get to hear his voice and see his smiles and what not. But the last two times I worked...our talks have been getting kinda shorter. And last time he asked me not to write or say "I love you" anymore. Which is understandable because he is really committing himself to the Lord and trying to focus as hard as he can on his mission. I commend him for that. I won't deny that it kinda hurt when he said "I need you to be more of a friend..." I wanted to say, "What?! A FRIEND?? I'm your future wife!" But that was my natural man (or woman) in me..I know it's Christ's will that he focus on his mission right now and not the silly girl waiting for him. But I'm SO scared that he'll stop loving me. In one of his first several letters he sent me, it was just a mushy letter saying how much he loves me, how he has a testimony of me, how much he's grateful for everything I've been doing for him and so forth. And he promised that that would be the last time he'd be all mushy with me till after his mission. But still. It's just hard for me to deal with it face to face..to realize I'm not his number one priority anymore. I'm so glad that he's getting serious and really cares about his mission, but I'm a little slower at adjusting to this new life. Is this really how it's going to be for the next two years? Am I going to be treated as "just a friend", just like everyone else? I'm scared. I've never loved someone so deeply before where I was willing to wait two years (even longer!) to be with him again. I've never wanted to hold onto someone so badly in my life. I've never wanted to spend the rest of my life (and all eternity) with someone as I do with him. I'm literally doing everything and anything for him. I know I can wait the full two years. But the question is, will he still love me the same? Will he love me less? Will he love me more? I've done what he asked. I don't say "i love you" anymore or talk about marriage. I don't even sign "love always" anymore because even that distracts him, apparently. I know that nothing is for sure and there's no hard evidence that he will or has stopped loving me. I'm just thinking too much I guess.
He said he has a testimony of me. And has written I love you in almost every letter up until now. That should be good enough for me, right?? Sigh. If only I weren't a dumb girl who constantly needed reassurance that she was loved by the one she loves the most. (Besides God, that is.) Heavenly Father, HELP ME! :(
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