WORST. DREAM. EVER.

I hate bad dreams. Because I always remember my dreams, regardless of whether if it's good or bad. It's like having bad memories that didn't even happen but won't be erased from my brain. Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about someone chasing me and trying to kill me. Typical bad dream, right? Well last night's dream, I assure you, is far, far worse than that one.

Last night's dream was about Josh. At first you might be thinking that this is a good dream, right? I mean, I got to see his face. I haven't seen his face in almost a year..but as the dream went on I discovered that Josh had been two-timing me on his mission! Not only did he meet another girl (a freakin HAOLE girl), but he MARRIED her while on his mission. Kind of against the rules, don't you think? And turns out he'd been in touch with this girl for a year by the time I found out. He had been writing me pretending to still love me. I didn't only know they got married, I saw it. I saw the way they posed for their engagement and bridal pictures. I saw them looking into each others' eyes as a newlywed couple. I saw who was in the bride's wedding line and it was a bunch of freakin ex-con's all tatted up and everything. The wedding was freaking ghetto. But there was Josh, waiting for his bride at the end of the line. And the bride was NOT me. It was that ghetto ex-con Haole girl. Worst part? He looked happy. Fast forward to the present (in my dream) when I confronted him about this, he immediately broke up/divorced/whatever with her and felt horrible. At first I sent him a text saying that I still loved him. (Kinda pathetic that even in my dreams I'm texting). And that made him happy. But then I told him (in person) that I didn't know if I could EVER forgive him for hurting me like this. Some friend that was by me told me to be a little easier on him, since he was already feeling guilty and torn apart over it. But I knew my pain exceeded any pain at all that he was feeling. And then I woke up.

...I woke up and freakin started BALLING and I started muttering, "No....no.....no......that can't be..." and I just kept crying. But wait! It gets even better!

I grabbed my phone and started scrolling down my contacts list looking for any name of a person that would be up to answering my call at that hour. Most people were back home where it was 6:30 in the morning so I couldn't call anyone back home. And then my thumb subconsciously stopped scrolling when it hit "Elder Graham". I almost immediately pressed call because I thought it was his old number which is now disconnected. I figured that just calling, even though no one would answer, would make me feel better. But then I remembered: I saved the number he called me from on Christmas Day because he called a couple times telling me what time he would be able to call and I didn't want to not answer it because it was a number I didn't recognize. I guess I forgot to delete it from my phonebook since it was now useless (or so I thought..). I immediately memorized the number so I could dial it with *67 in the front of it to block my number. I called, my heart started pounding and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. And then he ANSWERED!! I thought my heart was going to pound a hole in my chest. He answered and I knew it was his voice, I knew it was him, I just knew it. The love of my life was so close, yet so far, just on the other side of the line. I didn't speak because I didn't want him to know it was me, all I needed as to hear his voice. Even if I wanted to speak, I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't breathe as it was. So after he said "Alo?" (Spanish 'Hello?') about three times, I hung up...and broke down crying again. I sank down to the floor and without knowing it, I was suddenly in the position, on my knees, to pray. So I prayed...so hard...and one of the things I said was, "Is this really what your will is? For me to let go of him (for now)?" and then suddenly it hit me....last night in my personal prayers, I said something new. I said, "Heavenly Father, please help me to let thy will, not my will, be done."

And then He gave me this dream.

Coincidence? I don't think so...I wish it were.

I'm going to read my scriptures after work and do some more praying about what to do about this. Usually, I tell a friend or my mom what happened and I ask for their advice. But not this time. This is a personal matter, something I need to do on my own to become a stronger person. I need to follow the Spirit and ONLY the Spirit.

This is going to be so hard....I hope I'm strong enough to say the right things to Josh when I finally write him about it. And I hope I do the right thing because it is right, not because it will be for my benefit in any way.

Let me just sleep for the next ten months...and NOT have anymore dreams like that ever again.