Just a little jealous.

So my room mate is officially/unofficially engaged. They both talked about marriage and are setting a date. The reason I say "unofficially" is because she hasn't gotten the ring yet. She will soon, though. They went ring shopping this weekend and she picked it out. It's beautiful! I'm just a little jealous though...it makes me miss Josh so much more. I'm kinda sad. All good things come with time though, right? I keep saying all this waiting will someday be worth it. And I know that day will come.

Valentine's Eve

Only one more month until I turn 20!!! What a weird thought. I can still clearly remember my 16th, 17th, 18th, and 19th birthdays. Are you kidding me?! I'm gonna be out of the teens in just a few short 4 weeks?? I can't believe it. But hey! I made it to 20 years old unmarried!! Hahaha. My mom got married at 19 and my sister was still 18!! They both have late birthdays, but still...that's freaking young! I'm probably getting married after I turn 21. Which is fine, I'm in no rush. The only thing I'm impatient for is being reunited with my one true love again....thinking about that day gives me butterflies. :)

Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm not sad because technically I won't be alone. Someone has my heart and I have his, although we are miles away. I'm happy. :) I'm just really grateful that it's on a Sunday this year where most people (well, in Utah at least) can't go out on their cutesy little dates. So everyone will be in church just like me. The only thing I'm kinda irritated about is that Monday is a national holiday (who cares about past presidents?? I mean seriously??) which means the libraries will be closed...which means I won't get to chat with Josh on Monday morning ...that's okay though. Mos def Tuesday morning He just makes me so happy! I love him so much...our love has truly grown into something I didn't even know existed....it's pretty amazing...

What else could have kept me strong for this long? This coming Friday, the 19th, he'll have been on his mission for 15 months. Holy crap!!! I can't believe it. The months really are winding down!! I can do this. I so can do this.

I'm gonna check the mail now. If it's empty I'll be disappointed but I'll also be fine with it. He's a missionary. God is his number one priority, not me. Serving the people keeps him busy, and that's how it should be.

Still, I do miss him. *Sigh*

Te amo para siempre, Josh. <3

Buenos dias!!!!!!!!!

I misss you delicada miyo....
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sdlakjfasld;fjasdlkfsdkfjsl;kafjds;jf;aklfjsdfljda;fsldkfsfja;kjfsdl;ja;fjdksafjasl;sdj;akjlskdj;lfalfals;!!!!! :)

444 Days.

That's how long Josh has been serving his mission. I really can't believe so much time has passed already! Everyday of those 444 days I'd just think about how slow time felt like it was passing by...now that I'm at the head of it, it's hard to not feel like it went by too fast. Did I make the best of that time? Or did I waste it? I think I've done pretty well. But there's so much I want to do before Josh comes home on November 24! Eh, it's a work in progress.

Goals:
-Read BOM cover to cover: Getting there. I'm currently in Mosiah 25
-Lose weight: ultimate FAIL. Hopefully summer changes that.
-Learn to cook: I'm proud to say I've done well with this! :)

I can't remember everything else I wanted to do.

Oh I got a Valentine's Day package from Josh yesterday! I'm currently still working on his...gotta get it out by Monday!

Blehhhh I have a headache. Still getting over my sickness. :/ Byebye.

Rest In Peace, Elder McKay Choy Burrows...

Today was a very sad one for me...on Saturday, I heard that a missionary had passed away on his mission and my heart went out to that missionary and his family. Then my friend, Craig, texted me this morning while I was in class saying it was two elders who were companions, one being from Highland. He told me it was on the front page of our school's newspaper, so after class I went to the ESC to study, where I knew there would be a newspaper stand. I got a paper, started walking back to my bench where I was sitting and found the article. It was a small section. As I began to read, the words "Romania Bucharest Mission" caught my eye. Before continuing, I thought, "That's McKay's mission! I hope he's alright..." Sure enough, as I read further, I saw his name: McKay Choy Burrows of Highland, UT. I got goosebumps all over and it felt like my heart stopped. No...it can't be...he can't be gone...

Before I knew it, I was already crying. How could he be gone? I remember so clearly meeting him at SOAR in 2007. I played soccer with him, Israel, and the other, taller McKay right outside the Morris center during free-time one day. I remember thinking how cute he was (of course, this was before I met Josh) and he had such a fun, carefree spirit about him. Fast forward about a year and a half. It's my first week at BYU-Provo and I had just gone through a pretty bad break-up with a boyfriend. He invited me and my friends to play flag football on Helaman Fields with him and his friends and even took me on my first date while in Utah (again, this was before Josh). We were supposed to hike to these hot springs but none of his friends or their dates knew where the trail that led to it was. So we pretty much ended up wandering around the woods for a good two hours, but it was still fun! He joked around and made sure I was having fun. When I got cold, he took off his jacket and gave it to me even though the sun was long gone and it was freezing. I ended up hanging onto that jacket for 5 or so months following because I hadn't really seen him around campus after that. I managed to get it back to him before we all left school for the summer, but I feel really lame that I didn't return it to him in person.

The article said that the Burrows' family was not ready to talk to the media and I don't really blame them. If one of my brothers died on his mission, I'd just cry and cry forever...and if it were Josh...I don't even want to think about that possibility...it hurts too bad. But these two missionaries' families really need our prayers more than ever to cope with their loss.

I am so grateful we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Sometimes life can seem so unfair, but as hard as it may be, we need to realize that it is the Lord who is the Master of all our lives. He sees the whole picture and all we see is a tiny part of it. Perhaps the Lord has saved a special place in the eternities for these two missionaries. Maybe he needed the both of them to perform a greater work which we cannot even begin to comprehend. After all, it isn't our mortal life that matters, although it is very important for us to make the best of our probationary time on earth; for we will be judged according to our works in the Millenium. But the more important part of our existence is what comes after this. The Lord is preparing us for all that is to come in the next life; He truly does have so much in store for us. The pain we feel with the loss of a dear one is not easy to forget nor is it easy to let go of, but it shows us that we really did and still do hold a special place in our hearts for this person. It shows how many lives this special person has touched and blessed.

McKay, I'll never forget your smiling face. Every time I look at your name in the paper and in online articles, I am still in disbelief. I can't get your smile out of my head. It was full of innocence and a purity of heart. I'll admit, I did think you were a little cocky when I first met you almost three years ago; you probably knew how cool and attractive you were. But I literally saw the change that took place within you. I could see it in your countenance. You were a different man than the boy I first met the summer before my senior year of high school. We all love and miss you, but we know we'll see you again someday. I know you have Returned With Honor to your Father in Heaven.

Friends, family pay homage to fallen Elders in Romania

WORST. DREAM. EVER.

I hate bad dreams. Because I always remember my dreams, regardless of whether if it's good or bad. It's like having bad memories that didn't even happen but won't be erased from my brain. Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about someone chasing me and trying to kill me. Typical bad dream, right? Well last night's dream, I assure you, is far, far worse than that one.

Last night's dream was about Josh. At first you might be thinking that this is a good dream, right? I mean, I got to see his face. I haven't seen his face in almost a year..but as the dream went on I discovered that Josh had been two-timing me on his mission! Not only did he meet another girl (a freakin HAOLE girl), but he MARRIED her while on his mission. Kind of against the rules, don't you think? And turns out he'd been in touch with this girl for a year by the time I found out. He had been writing me pretending to still love me. I didn't only know they got married, I saw it. I saw the way they posed for their engagement and bridal pictures. I saw them looking into each others' eyes as a newlywed couple. I saw who was in the bride's wedding line and it was a bunch of freakin ex-con's all tatted up and everything. The wedding was freaking ghetto. But there was Josh, waiting for his bride at the end of the line. And the bride was NOT me. It was that ghetto ex-con Haole girl. Worst part? He looked happy. Fast forward to the present (in my dream) when I confronted him about this, he immediately broke up/divorced/whatever with her and felt horrible. At first I sent him a text saying that I still loved him. (Kinda pathetic that even in my dreams I'm texting). And that made him happy. But then I told him (in person) that I didn't know if I could EVER forgive him for hurting me like this. Some friend that was by me told me to be a little easier on him, since he was already feeling guilty and torn apart over it. But I knew my pain exceeded any pain at all that he was feeling. And then I woke up.

...I woke up and freakin started BALLING and I started muttering, "No....no.....no......that can't be..." and I just kept crying. But wait! It gets even better!

I grabbed my phone and started scrolling down my contacts list looking for any name of a person that would be up to answering my call at that hour. Most people were back home where it was 6:30 in the morning so I couldn't call anyone back home. And then my thumb subconsciously stopped scrolling when it hit "Elder Graham". I almost immediately pressed call because I thought it was his old number which is now disconnected. I figured that just calling, even though no one would answer, would make me feel better. But then I remembered: I saved the number he called me from on Christmas Day because he called a couple times telling me what time he would be able to call and I didn't want to not answer it because it was a number I didn't recognize. I guess I forgot to delete it from my phonebook since it was now useless (or so I thought..). I immediately memorized the number so I could dial it with *67 in the front of it to block my number. I called, my heart started pounding and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. And then he ANSWERED!! I thought my heart was going to pound a hole in my chest. He answered and I knew it was his voice, I knew it was him, I just knew it. The love of my life was so close, yet so far, just on the other side of the line. I didn't speak because I didn't want him to know it was me, all I needed as to hear his voice. Even if I wanted to speak, I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't breathe as it was. So after he said "Alo?" (Spanish 'Hello?') about three times, I hung up...and broke down crying again. I sank down to the floor and without knowing it, I was suddenly in the position, on my knees, to pray. So I prayed...so hard...and one of the things I said was, "Is this really what your will is? For me to let go of him (for now)?" and then suddenly it hit me....last night in my personal prayers, I said something new. I said, "Heavenly Father, please help me to let thy will, not my will, be done."

And then He gave me this dream.

Coincidence? I don't think so...I wish it were.

I'm going to read my scriptures after work and do some more praying about what to do about this. Usually, I tell a friend or my mom what happened and I ask for their advice. But not this time. This is a personal matter, something I need to do on my own to become a stronger person. I need to follow the Spirit and ONLY the Spirit.

This is going to be so hard....I hope I'm strong enough to say the right things to Josh when I finally write him about it. And I hope I do the right thing because it is right, not because it will be for my benefit in any way.

Let me just sleep for the next ten months...and NOT have anymore dreams like that ever again.

Just killing time waiting for my email...

It was MLK Day yesterday so the libraries were closed. Josh sent me a short email from a member's computer so today I'm assuming they get to go to the libraries for email time, right?! I hope so.

14/10.
14 months down, 10 more to go! Ugh if only it would hurry up. I had another dream about Josh's homecoming last night...it felt so real...and I was thinking, "At last, the wait is OVER. I've done it!! He'll never leave my side for so long ever again..." and then my alarm went off and I freaking woke up. I seriously felt like crying when I realized it wasn't real... Dang it. :(

I just want this semester to be over. Then time will start picking up like crazy! Semester, a niece and a nephew will be born :), Isaac graduates from Basic Training in Texas, Jake graduates from UVU, then I come HOME, work Summer Fun, surf everyday, start school at BYU-H....by then I'll have 2 months left and before I know it, he'll be home!

Butterflies.

He gives me butterflies. <3

I'm really excited because I just bought the new album from Kolohe Kai called This Is The Life and the first song is called "Butterflies". I love it!!! I'm excited to get my hands on an 'ukulele again so I can play and sing the songs...I really miss doing that. :/

YESSSSS LONG WEEKEND NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!! Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr. You're the MAN.

I'm hoping the libraries aren't closed tomorrow...I am excited to email Josh :) Just as excited as I get every week <3

Your voice has got me trippin'//I can't stop missin' missin' you//I just wanna kiss you so bad" -Kolohe Kai, The Kiss That I Never Had

LOVE this album!!! And I'm totally ridiculously madly irrevocably in love with Joshua Graham... ;)

Swallowed in the Sea

You cut me down a tree and brought it back to me
and that’s what made me see where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, you can only blame me
and I could write a song a hundred miles long

Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
and I could write it down or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line and hung me out to dry
Darling that’s when I decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes
Made me realize what I could not see

and I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world
and then it took, it took it back from me
and I could write it down and spread it all around
Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

Oohhhhh Ahhhhhh

and I could write a song a hundred miles long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
The streets you’re walking on, a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live with nothing left to give

Forget but not forgive, not loving all you see
Oh the streets you’re walking on a thousand houses long
Well that’s where I belong and you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea
Yeah you belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea

So in love...

This picture was taken before I met him so I cropped out his date..hehe


Elder Herrera (left) went home already! Weird...


HAHAHAHA I LOVE HIM!!!