My Epiphany.

So today I saw him at work, the usual. I mean some MG's may say I'm lucky that I even still get to see him a couple times a week...but at the same time it's hard you know? I mean..I don't know why it surprised me (because he's so amazing, I should've apprehended this) but he's just SO focused on being a missionary. It finally slapped me in the face this morning after I read the letter he handed me: I'm second best. God is his number one priority. I am no longer baby girl, I am no longer babaga, I am no longer ari his love. I'm just a friend - for now. And I realized that it's taken me two and a half months to finally accept this fact that I didn't want to be true. I just love him so much, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating because I can't express that I love him in the same ways that I'm used to. Telling him, calling him, text messaging him, hugging him, being held by him...no. I'm going to have to take this to a whole other level of "loving him". It's not the same. True, he's changed, but you know what? I truly believe it's for the better. By him putting the Lord first, he'll be greatly blessed on his mission and after. Now it's up to me to determine if we'll work out or not. Can I handle not getting so much love and affection anymore for two whole years? Will I be able to conciously and proactively put the Lord first in everything I do? The great news is that it's possible, I can do it. I can't afford to underestimate the difficulty of doing that, or the importance of me putting the Lord first. If I don't do that, how am I ever going to survive these next two years? I believe that Heavenly Father wanted Josh to stay at the MTC longer not only for his sake and for those he associates himself with at the MTC (he mentioned he's helped a lot of guys out in there), but also for my sake. If Josh left on January 20th, which is when he was supposed to leave, I totally would NOT have been ready. It took me until this morning to realize my role in this whole ordeal! I cannot be the same Ari that I've been for him before his mission. I can possess the same love I've had for him from the start (which grows more and more with each passing day, as crazy as that sounds)...but I must show it differently. I have to learn to deal with not being able to say it, or to be able to hear it from him. Before he left he said, "I love you Ari...I really do...never forget that." At the time I felt so sure that I could heed his advice. But it's easier said than done! I think that if I focus harder on developing and strengthening my relationship with Christ, the waiting process will just come easier along with it. I love Joshua Kamalama Graham. And you know what else? I love my Savior, Jesus Christ even more. And I know he loves me too. Both of them. :) And now...I can honestly say..I finally feel at peace.

Josh, I'm ready. Go out into the field and serve!

Give 'em Heaven, Elder! Make us (including God) proud. <3